December 31, 2013

The darkness is getting too heavy. The more I try to dig towards the sunlight, the more earth caves in around me and darkens my world. In this way the darkness is heavy. It gets in my lungs, it clouds my vision, it embeds itself in my skin, it presses against my chest and slows my heartbeat. I can feel my blood pulsing in my ears, it makes me long for the sight of it. Fresh red paint, bursting onto the canvas of my colorless wrists and staining the flesh eternally, the site of a self-made sacrifice. The pain of unanswered prayers for permission to give up. The relief of the hot rain falling from my eyes, temporarily cleansing the pain. The wounds healed but the scars stand out; bold and purple, in the cold. They stare at me angrily. Angry because I overcame. Another layer of mud rains down upon my face. My body. I stop. I lie down. It is comforting. I'm growing used to the dark. I can almost see forms. I can almost remember sounds. I can almost feel human touch on my skin. 

Thunder roars above the ground. It rouses me from my self-induced slumber. Cold rain begins to flood my pit. I try to make myself small. But it begins to open me up. Dirt clumps in my hair become wet and muddy and run out. Small rivers begin to form around me, carving around, freeing my chest. I breathe it in but I do not drown. It hurts but it lifts the darkness from my lungs. I begin to feel alive. It widens up the earth, the sun shines just a little from behind a cloud. The first light I've seen in months. 

Water builds behind me. It begins to flood my pit. It begins to lift me up. 

Scraping by 

Day by day

Surviving

Through a storm 

Never arms 

To hold me 

Or a kiss

To keep me warm 

Reckless and 

Forgotten 

I've waited 

My whole life 

For someone to

Come change my mind 

Say I'm worth

The sacrifice 

Convince me now 

I'm yours forever 

No matter what's ahead 

I'll stay with you

Through stormy weather

I'll be roof, your bed

You protect 

My heart, you heal

The scars that burn 

So bright 

I can't believe

That this is real

I've never felt 

More right. 

March 24, 2014

I feel your absence most

in the changing of the seasons

it surprises me how much I miss you

for such unexpected reasons

You don't cross my mind daily

you're rarely in my dreams

but I see you in the snowfall

blooming flowers, changing leaves

I crack my window late at night

and smell you in the breeze

rain blows through my screen like tears

puddles of memories

You're never coming back to me

you disappeared like fog

I hope this year, August 18th

the anguish will be gone

But until then  

I'll tuck the blankets in a little tighter

you are months and I am hours. 

Dawn approaches. I grow lighter. 

April 17, 2014

One thing I still know in my soul, after the rest falls away;

as long as I feel pain, I'm alive. 

Many people think self-harmers are suicidal but in reality, I used to hurt myself to make sure I was still alive. When the tears wouldn't come, when words couldn't express, when no one understood or could reach me, I bled. In those moments I knew; if my heart is still pumping blood through these veins and out of my skin, greeting the fresh oxygen with a bright red kiss and painting my skin with the reality of pain and purpose - I am alive. I am alive. 

And I know that now. Now that you deny that everything we were was real. Now that you hurt me and when you see me bleed, you laugh. You think you're stronger. You think you have the answers and you think that I am low and sad. But I know now more than ever: you are dead. You are rigid, unmoving. Your blood is black and motionless. You are a corpse. A ghost. And that's how you've been haunting me. In the corners of my closets. In the feeling of my sheets, in the smell of the fresh April air. You're there. You're there. 

But I'm realizing now it's just a memory. One I must lay to rest in peace, so I may go on living. And I will go on living. I will let this make me softer. I will release the pain and heal. 

And I will get hurt again. 

And again. 

And again. 

And I will learn to make different mistakes. And sometimes I'll learn nothing. Sometimes it will feel like I am dying. But I am alive. I am alive in the pain. I am a part of the world. And you are nothing. You are weak. You are beneath me. You are dead. I am at my own center. And you are lost, trying to find yours. I am alive and I hear a new day calling. Is it dark in your coffin? Come out. Come out if you can. I'll be the one with color in my cheeks. The one drawn toward the sun although it burns. The one who feels. And if that's all I'm ever known for I will count myself lucky. 

I am strong. 

I am broken. 

I am free. 

I am alive. I am alive. 

August 2014

I've spent enough time carving out pieces of my skin 

making blood sacrifices to the gods of my past

like a fucking plea, a beg for their return

but you don't get that. You don't even get a goodbye

and I can only hope that in my latest picture, you can't see the hope in my eyes

shining through from that corner in my mind you've moved into 

univited

get the fuck out

I asked you nicely

The blood I let from now on will be involuntary

like when you stab my heart with photos of you and her

smiling like I'm nothing but a ghost

and we both know. 

We both know you're not happy

but she doesn't know

nobody knows

and part of me wonders; is that because I didn't carve out

pieces of my skin

crowning you my god?

But I'm down to the bone 

nothing to offer

I guess that's what we get.

 

January 1, 2015

You're not like I imagined

strong enough to slay my dragons

with your mouth against my pale skin

your hands, my breathing, staggered

You pin my hips

and bite my lips

and make me lose my patience

you breathe to life

the hope that I 

had buried in my basement

Your eyes are bright and piercing

and they're holding me here, raptured

the anchor to my stormy sea

my runaway heart captured

My fingernails etch secrets that my 

lips would not dare utter

my arching back

your jagged breaths

There'll never be another

December 2014

You were a flash flood

I wasn't prepared 

for the taste of your tongue

the scent of your hair

your heart keeping time

the warmth of your smile

I knew you were mine

you said, "stay for a while" 

The force of this feeling

is pulling me under

your eyes strike like lightning

I'm deafened by thunder 

I'm lost but not lonely

as you overcome me

the ebb and the flow

of the ways that you love me

I lie by your side

you're breathing, I listen

tracing constellations 

My thumb against your skin

And not sure if it's you or 

it's me or

it's us

But I fall for you over and over again