Stark, naked, empty trees
devoid of life, of birds and leaves
a portrait painted perfectly 
by nature's bitter hand itself 

He left me just at summer's end 
before the changing leaves began
a bright display of color in 
a shade of pain I know too well

And in that mess I tried to hold
like dying leaves against the cold
onto the things of him I'd told 
myself would change eventually 

But one by one my dreams fell, dead 
into dark corners of my head 
where eager feet of hopeless tread 
upon them all too suddenly 

And just like that, on autumn's heels  
winter blew in and made me feel 
alone, and left my spirit chilled
afraid to fight against the cold  

Until sweet something in the air 
singing softly through branches bare
whispering, promising to care 
a love gentle, promising, bold 

Never could I have been ready 
like snow you're falling; quiet, heavy 
onto my heart, the beat grows steady
brilliant, fresh and settling 

I've felt the deepest hurt this year
you're all that makes it disappear
and hopeful, beautiful, sincere 
you'll carry my soul into spring. 

You gave me hope

For years, it was you or no one

You kept me focused

Kept me from making mistakes

My first love

Six years later

I told you how I felt

You didn’t feel the same

We became best friends

It was okay

I was happy

I let you go.

You gave me your heart

Easily, quickly

You promised the world

Though you didn’t know how to give it

You were my first relationship

First kiss

First time I felt wanted

Four months later

It all fell apart

But we kept coming back

Peeling off each other’s scabs

Bleeding out

Til I moved away

You wanted me

And I didn’t want you back

That was a first for me

And it felt kind of good

So I tried to want you

Talking every night

But there were a lot of things

That closed my heart to you

I didn’t feel much

Two months later

You were the one to end it

It didn’t hurt

It felt like relief

When I hung up the phone

For the last time ever

You fucked me up

Used 

Lied

Manipulated

Hurt

I needed your approval

You gave me nothing but criticism

I was weak

You were weaker

A predator

Looking for a sick animal

One year later

When you were finished

You left without warning

I emptied out my lungs and heart

Never been so devastated

Never been so lucky to lose someone

I’m so happy every day

To be free from you

You were beautiful

In every sense of the word

Perfect for me

Like I never saw before

I couldn’t think straight

Couldn’t breathe

You made me more

Your smile

Your eyes

Your scent

Your hugs

I couldn’t believe I had a shot with you

But the timing was off

Way off

Eleven months later

You told me this

Held me as I cried

And I wish you had never

Let me go

You helped me heal

Kept all my secrets

Kept me from going crazy

Fought with me

Fought for me

Our friendship was amazing

I wondered if it could be more

But you would never make a move

Because I wasn’t good enough for you

(At least not according to them)

And ten months later

It burned up with a fury

When you took her instead 

You kept me from self-destruction

Saved me from myself

You were younger

You spoke of dreams

You thought you could heal me

You wanted to fix my broken heart

I stayed

I stayed for you

You promised to stay too

We drained each other

Far too much

And four years later

You left

Never looking back

And I don’t want you back

But I haven’t recovered

Because I was yours

And how can I just

Let go of a part of me

Five years later

You are back

Making me wonder

I have to try to contain it

The hope that I’m feeling

The pull, the glorious indecision

But if anyone was made for me

It is you

And I don’t know what could happen

But I don’t want to

I’ll let you make your choices

And fate take its course

And maybe in the end

Sometime, down the road

I’ll finally be

Completely yours.

I wish I could just put my life on hold
run to an unfamiliar place. Alone. Alone
I'd listen to the ocean kissing the coast
saltwater and alcohol, I'll drown your ghost
'til I'm barely alive, and I'm soaked to the bone
these times are the times that I miss you the most.

I pack up the ring from you 
Another broken promise
Like a severed circle you
Once placed upon my finger
A faux commitment 
One of many you’d make 
This with a metal
Many with your mouth
Some with your body 
Most with your words
Your comfort and unshakable
(Or so I thought) 
Love for me, endless 
I wish I could break this ring
Like you broke my heart 
Sell my sorrows 
Like you sold my gifts 
Nothing left of me in you
Everything of you left in me 
I’ll never have a love like you again
Friends say that’s a good thing
But I know better 
My heart is not a circle 
And it can’t be welded
Mended 
Fixed 
By anyone but you.

It's been a long night and a long day and a long week and a long month. It's been a long year. The most painful and most magical of my life so far. Most of the time I've been angry or indignant, as is well deserved for the way you treated me. But today, I miss you. I miss your scent and the shape of your body and the warm brown gaze of your eyes in mine. I'm thinking of when we first met. How you taught me that sometimes no matter how much you love and want someone, you can still hold back and wait for them to be ready to accept it. How you taught me that it was possible to give and receive love, to vulnerably offer myself to someone and not be pushed away or used or rejected or hurt. How you made me feel worth something. I thought losing you would negate all the good things.  I thought losing you would tear away my sense of worth. And it's true it has been difficult. It's been the most difficult thing I have ever had to experience. It has challenged my sense of self-worth, and made the good things painful to recall. But you can't undo four years in a month; you can't undo the pain caused, and likewise I can't undo the gifts you gave me.

I've lain in bed all day, slain by sleep. Exhausted and happy and sad. Yesterday drained me. It was the best and worst day. Walking the same halls I used to walk with you, with only your ghost, a broken heart and an empty hand. Meeting my “favorite” musician without my real favorite musician, you, by my side. You should have been there. But you weren't. Thoughts of you were the only thing keeping me awake as I drove home at 4am. Funny how the same force that made me want to take my own life one short month ago was saving me by keeping the car from going off the road. And when I finally fell into bed your face invaded every dream.

I spent all morning unready to wake up. I passed the day tossing and turning, wrestling against memories of you where I used to wrestle for sleep, pressed against your body. And when I finally couldn't sleep anymore, I lay on my pile of unfolded laundry in the living room, fighting the desperate need for a change of pace, a breath of fresh air. But I couldn't avoid looking out the window and seeing pink streaked across the darkening sky, color stains shaped like the old scars I carved into my wrists long before I met you. It is the last night of September. I followed the clouds out the door and into my car.

Before I knew it I was back in the park where it all ended. Walking with the soles of my feet bared, the very path I walked with my soul and heart bared one month ago, stopping behind the bush where you refused to meet my gaze, tearing out grass as I bled saltwater from my body, begging you for answers. I sat where you sat then. I tried to feel what you might have felt. I watched the sun set in the sky, a beautiful and colorful ending to the most painful month of my life, and I thought of the sun setting, beautiful and colorful, on the pain we caused each other.

Now I'm the one tearing the grass from the ground, my heart straining against meeting your memories. My eyes are dry, my lips mumble the lyrics to a La Dispute song as it resonates through the empty field out of the speakers in my phone, and I whisper but I want to scream.

I want to be tugging your hair in passion, not the grass in pain. I want to be whispering in your ear, not the empty air; I want to know if you've been here since that day. My heart says no. I want to know if you've missed me for one second or if you have sunk fully beneath the ripples of lies and fake friendships, never to return. And every day until now I've hoped you'll never return. But now I do. I do, I do, I do. I want you to return. Not to me but to a place of peace and hope. I see the darkness in your eyes. You can't hide from me. No Instagram filter covers the pain and sadness I see etched in the lines of your face. They are a truth not even you could conceal from me. Your pain is far more familiar to me even than my own.

I'm covered in bug bites. The sky is completely black. Normally I'd be terrified and frustrated and running back to my car. But I sit. I sit. I talk to you like you're dead. Because the you I knew is never coming back. And I can almost taste you, I can almost feel you, I can almost reach you. But you're a little too distant. A little beyond my grasp. I'm not your savior anymore. And you're not my hero.

I walk with bare feet on the wet grass, slowly back to my car. The story isn't over. But this chapter is.

You were hot

And smooth

And quick

You made my head float

You made me forget.

Being with you was natural

Vulnerable

Painful

Pleasurable

Left me breathless

Left me wanting more

Fast and furious

Impossible to ignore

Erasing him from my body

And filling those spaces with you

Undemanding

Passionate

Understanding

It won’t last

But you’re familiar

And comforting

Like last year’s sweaters

Or the taste of bad coffee on a cold morning

And I need you for now

And you need me too

I just hope it doesn’t end

In disaster

Or heartbreak

Or bitterness

Like the grounds at the bottom

Of that cold morning coffee

Pain is inevitable

Love is a choice

But sometimes last year’s sweater

Just doesn’t fit perfectly

And it’s just good enough

To keep out the cold

I hope you understand that

(I’m afraid that you don’t)

The tears just don't stop. I feel like I've been crying for days. My eyes are starting to burn. I can't breathe from all the sobbing. My voice is gone. Screamed out. Nobody can reach me now. I've flooded my surroundings with the pain of your name and the questions you left unanswered. And now I'm an island. Incapable of being reached unless someone should swim to shore. But none will dare to cross that treacherous path. No one will find me out here.