October 24, 2014

I finally gave up on you 

I broke the chains that held me to you 

you were a weight around my ankle and 

your love was a vast ocean of madness and lies and 

"I mean it this time"

and I couldn't stop inhaling you 

the salt clung to my nose

burned in my throat

filled up my lungs 

and the sensation of dying became 

somehow addictive 

I didn't want air

only you, only you 

I didn't want to stop sinking 

you made my heart fade to nearly nothing 

you made my head stop thinking

but you wore me out 

(I wasn't okay)

and finally, finally, I cut you away 

but now I just wish I could

forget your face

forget your laugh

your voice when you sing 

your Instagram name

the promises made

without using words

two twisted hearts 

you're fucked up and weak

you make me weak at the knees

you make me all Rachel and Ross 

because it's always been you

but it'll never be you 

August 11, 2014

Give up 

give up

my head screams into my chest

but my stubborn, stupid breaking heart

just won't let me yet

We haven't really talked since you

promised you wouldn't disappear

you said whatever I need

just let you know 

you'll always be right here

You lied. 

I talked to you the other day 

Well, you talked. I asked questions. 

Some were too hard to answer I guess 

you left them hanging in the air 

afraid to break the news 

like fragile, weak balloons

like my hope depends on you 

but I 

I'd rather have my heart shattered and 

know exactly when it happens  

than to see the crack form beneath the surface of an 

already weak facade 

and work its way to me until I am helpless and suddenly dropped

And you didn't ask about me 

three weeks and they were all yours 

I guess I'm breaking myself

it's so obvious I need to let go 

so obvious 

I'm a book on your shelf 

I never asked you to read but

you opened me up 

read til page 83

and you

spilled coffee over my pages

staining my edges 

and when the ink ran together

you called me

too blurry for your eyes

and put me away

without letting me dry. 

[you're not coming back]

July 21, 2014

Remember when 

you said

you'd never forget me 

you'd never give up 

time was nothing 

trust 

patience

we'd be together 

Remember when 

you said 

timing was wrong

we can't be together and

don't hold out hope 

cause you don't want me hurt

but I couldn't let go

cuz we should be together

Remember when 

you said it was her 

you played me her song 

and hoped I'd go along 

with an ache in my chest 

I hung up the phone 

we could have been together 

but now I was alone

Remember when 

you reached out to me

I was drowning in denial 

I couldn't see

maybe that was a chance 

I fucked beyond belief

it could have been you

it could have been me 

Remember when 

I promised I'd stay

I can't get my heart back

I know I seem crazy 

but I'll lay it all out there

my heart on the line

til these promises mend me

hoping you will be mine

July 17, 2014

Another moment 

another day 

I wish my thoughts away 

that my memory would fade 

but it's not going anywhere.  

Only brokenness and scarring 

my soul feels so heavy, darling

My lungs are full of fluid 

I am breathing without air 

Like that moment when you told me 

as I lay alone in bed 

that there was someone else for you 

before the line went dead

And was I the the one who hung up

or

were you the one instead?

Well I guess it doesn't matter

because now it's all just scattered 

innocence in teardrops shed

But the moment I first saw you 

I was captivated

swept away 

we've been pulled and stretched and strained but 

in your heart, my heart 

kept safe

And it's less likely than ever 

but you're anchoring me here 

I will probably wait forever 

for you, 

bring my heart back safely, 

feel it beating

though we're bleeding

grip your wrist

your blood runs cold with fear

kiss my throat

my pulse is racing, dear

we'll find healing

we'll find meaning 

you are hoping

I am begging 

don't let go

forever 

near. 

She's dressed all in black and
fifty shades of gray
ripped tights and a
jaded look on her face
but her eyes tell something deeper
there's a fire burning bright
some have tried to cheat her
bur she was born to fight.

She feels forgotten now
lying on her bedroom floor
so small inside her head
but her heart feels so much more
it's dark outside, and silent
hours from the sunrise
her thoughts are waxing violent
slaying fears, tearless brown eyes

It's been the longest week
every minute lasts an hour
she throws her hair up carelessly
and stops to pick a flower
she tucks it up behind her ear
and smiles at a stranger
she's welcome and accepted here
the sunshine entertains her

She inhales peace and
exhales weight and lets the world spin slower
a haze of smoke and memories
she knows that nothing owns her
life is a gift and just like her
it's short and tough and lovely
she whispers, "nothing's as it seems"
her dreams so far above me

She's deep, contemplative
complicated, funny, smart
she lives like shes a paintbrush, effortlessly making art
leaving a trail of beauty through the boring and mundane
she'll captivate you gently
and you'll never be the same.

I hate not knowing things about you like
the way your chest moves when you breathe in your sleep
the heat that rises off your skin or
the scent of your hair after
showering
not showering
coming home at 6am from the gym
I want to know what kind of sound emits from your lips as you
wake from a nightmare
haunted by a memory and
the way your stubble feels against the back of my neck when
you sneak up behind me while I cook your breakfast and
I want to know the taste of your skin around your belly button and
the texture of your hipbones against my tongue and
I want to see the look in your eyes as you
release inside of me and
lose yourself for a few moments and
our souls unite in a sweaty tangle of imperfect passion and
you draw away but I stay with you
you carry me in your pores and in your thoughts and your
oh so hidden feelings
and at least
I know what no one else knows
about you
I know I am the oxygen in your lungs
I know I am the star of your deepest fantasies and
I know your safe place is in my chest where you can hear the rhythm of my heartbeat screaming your name.

You’ll be hot and hard and slow and sweet.
I’ll let you take out all your frustations on me
for hours
or days
or weeks
Whatever it takes til you’ve spent all your
energy.

I want to drain you.
I want to
absorb
all your anger
and hurt
and sadness
and rejection
all the
abuse
and neglect
and imagination
and thoughts
and concerns
and torment
and loneliness.

Etch it into my back with your fingernails
press it into my hipbones with your hands
whisper it into my mouth with your tongue and
leave it for me to swallow
let your body tell my body those tales and secrets
that your mind dreads allowing your voice to utter
and spill the fear of yourself inside me
or leave it splatted across my bed and body
I’ll clean up the mess
You’ll stumble away from me
bruised
and breathless
and
begging for more.

And baby,
if it takes a lifetime to correct
a lifetime of mistakes
I’m the one you want
I’ll kiss you awake
from your slumber of sadness and
I’ll lead you away
and we can lose ourselves
screams, tears, and sweat
we can find each other and
we can finally forget
to whom we’ve belonged and
where we’ve been
you’re you
I’m me

Free.