I want to
see the world
live in airports
pick up a few words in foreign languages
because I’m moving around too much to learn more than that.
I want to make enough money
just enough
to buy a new pair of shoes now and then
and jeans when the pair I have rips
and to have a dog.
Maybe two dogs.
And a tiny apartment to myself
with a fireplace and a chaise lounge
that orange one
that I’d say I wanted
when we got married but now
I just want it for the nights I’m alone
or the rainy days off
to curl in a ball and
read an entire book
or listen to five new albums I downloaded obessively
because I heard one song by that band that I liked
and I needed the whole collection
And I’ll curl up by myself
and I’ll listen til I fall asleep
and I’ll lie comatose for four hours
because I haven’t slept in weeks
and I’ll wake up with pain all down my spine
and realize I forgot to blow out the candles
and it will be okay
I’ll be okay.
And at some point
the nightmares will stop
I’ll stop seeing you
seeing you with her
with me
I’ll just stop seeing you
I’ll forget the light in your eyes
and the lilt of your laughter
and the stubble that grew so lightly when you forgot to shave that morning and
how it tickled my neck when you would whisper into me
3:45am when I rolled over
with a nightmare, seeking comfort
in the days before I knew you were a worse nightmare
before I learned to hold myself because
no one else will always be there.
And I’ll stop daydreaming about
carving out
pieces of my flesh like
some kind of goddamn sacrifice to you
spilling my blood like it will draw you back
and I’ll breathe
and I’ll be whole
and I’ll be okay
and I’ll wait for the next someone
who steals my breath
who makes me forget that
I can survive loneliness and
the world is bigger than my bedroom.
Or just someone who
makes me forget the scent of your skin
after the third time we made love and
broke promises for the first of many times.
Either way
I’ll wait
I’ll wait
and I’ll go on surviving and remembering
how to forget.