4am questions

It was 4am today when I woke up. A little foggy in my head, but crystal clear were my feelings. The alcohol had lulled me to sleep but not long enough. In that dazed, barely awake state is when my feelings for you become far too clear. I am most vulnerable in those moments, when I don’t have you to turn to anymore with my aching backs and heartbreaking dreams that I begin to question everything. Like did I do something to deserve this? Do I bring loneliness on myself? Is it impossible to love me?

Everything about the situation is unfair. It is unfair that you left a bullet hole right through my heart and left me to bleed out; while you seem to have nothing but a finger prick from me that you were instantly able to place a band aid on. And it doesn’t make sense really. If I gave you so much more than you gave to me, shouldn’t it be that when you lose it, you are missing more than I am?

But maybe that’s the point. I lodged my love into you like a bee stings its victims. I gave you more than you wanted, and when you left, you ripped out my insides and left me to die. And maybe my damaged self continued to push my love into you even after you were gone. But you didn’t want it, because real love hurts. So you removed it and covered it up and tried to forget.

But unlike the bee I can choose to rise again. I can put myself back together and take back what I gave to you. And I can be more whole and alive than you ever will be, because my love is powerful. And the answer to the 4am questions I ask myself is a solid no. I am worthy of everything good in this life. It is you who do not recognize, do not deserve my love. Even if I hurt you, I never would have left you. And it doesn’t matter if you never see it.  Because I’m starting to.

I’m taking back myself.