December 31, 2013

The darkness is getting too heavy. The more I try to dig towards the sunlight, the more earth caves in around me and darkens my world. In this way the darkness is heavy. It gets in my lungs, it clouds my vision, it embeds itself in my skin, it presses against my chest and slows my heartbeat. I can feel my blood pulsing in my ears, it makes me long for the sight of it. Fresh red paint, bursting onto the canvas of my colorless wrists and staining the flesh eternally, the site of a self-made sacrifice. The pain of unanswered prayers for permission to give up. The relief of the hot rain falling from my eyes, temporarily cleansing the pain. The wounds healed but the scars stand out; bold and purple, in the cold. They stare at me angrily. Angry because I overcame. Another layer of mud rains down upon my face. My body. I stop. I lie down. It is comforting. I'm growing used to the dark. I can almost see forms. I can almost remember sounds. I can almost feel human touch on my skin. 

Thunder roars above the ground. It rouses me from my self-induced slumber. Cold rain begins to flood my pit. I try to make myself small. But it begins to open me up. Dirt clumps in my hair become wet and muddy and run out. Small rivers begin to form around me, carving around, freeing my chest. I breathe it in but I do not drown. It hurts but it lifts the darkness from my lungs. I begin to feel alive. It widens up the earth, the sun shines just a little from behind a cloud. The first light I've seen in months. 

Water builds behind me. It begins to flood my pit. It begins to lift me up. 

Scraping by 

Day by day

Surviving

Through a storm 

Never arms 

To hold me 

Or a kiss

To keep me warm 

Reckless and 

Forgotten 

I've waited 

My whole life 

For someone to

Come change my mind 

Say I'm worth

The sacrifice 

Convince me now 

I'm yours forever 

No matter what's ahead 

I'll stay with you

Through stormy weather

I'll be roof, your bed

You protect 

My heart, you heal

The scars that burn 

So bright 

I can't believe

That this is real

I've never felt 

More right. 

March 24, 2014

I feel your absence most

in the changing of the seasons

it surprises me how much I miss you

for such unexpected reasons

You don't cross my mind daily

you're rarely in my dreams

but I see you in the snowfall

blooming flowers, changing leaves

I crack my window late at night

and smell you in the breeze

rain blows through my screen like tears

puddles of memories

You're never coming back to me

you disappeared like fog

I hope this year, August 18th

the anguish will be gone

But until then  

I'll tuck the blankets in a little tighter

you are months and I am hours. 

Dawn approaches. I grow lighter. 

April 17, 2014

One thing I still know in my soul, after the rest falls away;

as long as I feel pain, I'm alive. 

Many people think self-harmers are suicidal but in reality, I used to hurt myself to make sure I was still alive. When the tears wouldn't come, when words couldn't express, when no one understood or could reach me, I bled. In those moments I knew; if my heart is still pumping blood through these veins and out of my skin, greeting the fresh oxygen with a bright red kiss and painting my skin with the reality of pain and purpose - I am alive. I am alive. 

And I know that now. Now that you deny that everything we were was real. Now that you hurt me and when you see me bleed, you laugh. You think you're stronger. You think you have the answers and you think that I am low and sad. But I know now more than ever: you are dead. You are rigid, unmoving. Your blood is black and motionless. You are a corpse. A ghost. And that's how you've been haunting me. In the corners of my closets. In the feeling of my sheets, in the smell of the fresh April air. You're there. You're there. 

But I'm realizing now it's just a memory. One I must lay to rest in peace, so I may go on living. And I will go on living. I will let this make me softer. I will release the pain and heal. 

And I will get hurt again. 

And again. 

And again. 

And I will learn to make different mistakes. And sometimes I'll learn nothing. Sometimes it will feel like I am dying. But I am alive. I am alive in the pain. I am a part of the world. And you are nothing. You are weak. You are beneath me. You are dead. I am at my own center. And you are lost, trying to find yours. I am alive and I hear a new day calling. Is it dark in your coffin? Come out. Come out if you can. I'll be the one with color in my cheeks. The one drawn toward the sun although it burns. The one who feels. And if that's all I'm ever known for I will count myself lucky. 

I am strong. 

I am broken. 

I am free. 

I am alive. I am alive. 

August 2014

I've spent enough time carving out pieces of my skin 

making blood sacrifices to the gods of my past

like a fucking plea, a beg for their return

but you don't get that. You don't even get a goodbye

and I can only hope that in my latest picture, you can't see the hope in my eyes

shining through from that corner in my mind you've moved into 

univited

get the fuck out

I asked you nicely

The blood I let from now on will be involuntary

like when you stab my heart with photos of you and her

smiling like I'm nothing but a ghost

and we both know. 

We both know you're not happy

but she doesn't know

nobody knows

and part of me wonders; is that because I didn't carve out

pieces of my skin

crowning you my god?

But I'm down to the bone 

nothing to offer

I guess that's what we get.

 

January 1, 2015

You're not like I imagined

strong enough to slay my dragons

with your mouth against my pale skin

your hands, my breathing, staggered

You pin my hips

and bite my lips

and make me lose my patience

you breathe to life

the hope that I 

had buried in my basement

Your eyes are bright and piercing

and they're holding me here, raptured

the anchor to my stormy sea

my runaway heart captured

My fingernails etch secrets that my 

lips would not dare utter

my arching back

your jagged breaths

There'll never be another

December 2014

You were a flash flood

I wasn't prepared 

for the taste of your tongue

the scent of your hair

your heart keeping time

the warmth of your smile

I knew you were mine

you said, "stay for a while" 

The force of this feeling

is pulling me under

your eyes strike like lightning

I'm deafened by thunder 

I'm lost but not lonely

as you overcome me

the ebb and the flow

of the ways that you love me

I lie by your side

you're breathing, I listen

tracing constellations 

My thumb against your skin

And not sure if it's you or 

it's me or

it's us

But I fall for you over and over again

October 24, 2014

I finally gave up on you 

I broke the chains that held me to you 

you were a weight around my ankle and 

your love was a vast ocean of madness and lies and 

"I mean it this time"

and I couldn't stop inhaling you 

the salt clung to my nose

burned in my throat

filled up my lungs 

and the sensation of dying became 

somehow addictive 

I didn't want air

only you, only you 

I didn't want to stop sinking 

you made my heart fade to nearly nothing 

you made my head stop thinking

but you wore me out 

(I wasn't okay)

and finally, finally, I cut you away 

but now I just wish I could

forget your face

forget your laugh

your voice when you sing 

your Instagram name

the promises made

without using words

two twisted hearts 

you're fucked up and weak

you make me weak at the knees

you make me all Rachel and Ross 

because it's always been you

but it'll never be you 

August 11, 2014

Give up 

give up

my head screams into my chest

but my stubborn, stupid breaking heart

just won't let me yet

We haven't really talked since you

promised you wouldn't disappear

you said whatever I need

just let you know 

you'll always be right here

You lied. 

I talked to you the other day 

Well, you talked. I asked questions. 

Some were too hard to answer I guess 

you left them hanging in the air 

afraid to break the news 

like fragile, weak balloons

like my hope depends on you 

but I 

I'd rather have my heart shattered and 

know exactly when it happens  

than to see the crack form beneath the surface of an 

already weak facade 

and work its way to me until I am helpless and suddenly dropped

And you didn't ask about me 

three weeks and they were all yours 

I guess I'm breaking myself

it's so obvious I need to let go 

so obvious 

I'm a book on your shelf 

I never asked you to read but

you opened me up 

read til page 83

and you

spilled coffee over my pages

staining my edges 

and when the ink ran together

you called me

too blurry for your eyes

and put me away

without letting me dry. 

[you're not coming back]

July 21, 2014

Remember when 

you said

you'd never forget me 

you'd never give up 

time was nothing 

trust 

patience

we'd be together 

Remember when 

you said 

timing was wrong

we can't be together and

don't hold out hope 

cause you don't want me hurt

but I couldn't let go

cuz we should be together

Remember when 

you said it was her 

you played me her song 

and hoped I'd go along 

with an ache in my chest 

I hung up the phone 

we could have been together 

but now I was alone

Remember when 

you reached out to me

I was drowning in denial 

I couldn't see

maybe that was a chance 

I fucked beyond belief

it could have been you

it could have been me 

Remember when 

I promised I'd stay

I can't get my heart back

I know I seem crazy 

but I'll lay it all out there

my heart on the line

til these promises mend me

hoping you will be mine

July 17, 2014

Another moment 

another day 

I wish my thoughts away 

that my memory would fade 

but it's not going anywhere.  

Only brokenness and scarring 

my soul feels so heavy, darling

My lungs are full of fluid 

I am breathing without air 

Like that moment when you told me 

as I lay alone in bed 

that there was someone else for you 

before the line went dead

And was I the the one who hung up

or

were you the one instead?

Well I guess it doesn't matter

because now it's all just scattered 

innocence in teardrops shed

But the moment I first saw you 

I was captivated

swept away 

we've been pulled and stretched and strained but 

in your heart, my heart 

kept safe

And it's less likely than ever 

but you're anchoring me here 

I will probably wait forever 

for you, 

bring my heart back safely, 

feel it beating

though we're bleeding

grip your wrist

your blood runs cold with fear

kiss my throat

my pulse is racing, dear

we'll find healing

we'll find meaning 

you are hoping

I am begging 

don't let go

forever 

near. 

She's dressed all in black and
fifty shades of gray
ripped tights and a
jaded look on her face
but her eyes tell something deeper
there's a fire burning bright
some have tried to cheat her
bur she was born to fight.

She feels forgotten now
lying on her bedroom floor
so small inside her head
but her heart feels so much more
it's dark outside, and silent
hours from the sunrise
her thoughts are waxing violent
slaying fears, tearless brown eyes

It's been the longest week
every minute lasts an hour
she throws her hair up carelessly
and stops to pick a flower
she tucks it up behind her ear
and smiles at a stranger
she's welcome and accepted here
the sunshine entertains her

She inhales peace and
exhales weight and lets the world spin slower
a haze of smoke and memories
she knows that nothing owns her
life is a gift and just like her
it's short and tough and lovely
she whispers, "nothing's as it seems"
her dreams so far above me

She's deep, contemplative
complicated, funny, smart
she lives like shes a paintbrush, effortlessly making art
leaving a trail of beauty through the boring and mundane
she'll captivate you gently
and you'll never be the same.

I hate not knowing things about you like
the way your chest moves when you breathe in your sleep
the heat that rises off your skin or
the scent of your hair after
showering
not showering
coming home at 6am from the gym
I want to know what kind of sound emits from your lips as you
wake from a nightmare
haunted by a memory and
the way your stubble feels against the back of my neck when
you sneak up behind me while I cook your breakfast and
I want to know the taste of your skin around your belly button and
the texture of your hipbones against my tongue and
I want to see the look in your eyes as you
release inside of me and
lose yourself for a few moments and
our souls unite in a sweaty tangle of imperfect passion and
you draw away but I stay with you
you carry me in your pores and in your thoughts and your
oh so hidden feelings
and at least
I know what no one else knows
about you
I know I am the oxygen in your lungs
I know I am the star of your deepest fantasies and
I know your safe place is in my chest where you can hear the rhythm of my heartbeat screaming your name.

You’ll be hot and hard and slow and sweet.
I’ll let you take out all your frustations on me
for hours
or days
or weeks
Whatever it takes til you’ve spent all your
energy.

I want to drain you.
I want to
absorb
all your anger
and hurt
and sadness
and rejection
all the
abuse
and neglect
and imagination
and thoughts
and concerns
and torment
and loneliness.

Etch it into my back with your fingernails
press it into my hipbones with your hands
whisper it into my mouth with your tongue and
leave it for me to swallow
let your body tell my body those tales and secrets
that your mind dreads allowing your voice to utter
and spill the fear of yourself inside me
or leave it splatted across my bed and body
I’ll clean up the mess
You’ll stumble away from me
bruised
and breathless
and
begging for more.

And baby,
if it takes a lifetime to correct
a lifetime of mistakes
I’m the one you want
I’ll kiss you awake
from your slumber of sadness and
I’ll lead you away
and we can lose ourselves
screams, tears, and sweat
we can find each other and
we can finally forget
to whom we’ve belonged and
where we’ve been
you’re you
I’m me

Free.

I want to
see the world
live in airports
pick up a few words in foreign languages
because I’m moving around too much to learn more than that.
I want to make enough money
just enough
to buy a new pair of shoes now and then
and jeans when the pair I have rips
and to have a dog.
Maybe two dogs.
And a tiny apartment to myself
with a fireplace and a chaise lounge
that orange one
that I’d say I wanted
when we got married but now
I just want it for the nights I’m alone
or the rainy days off
to curl in a ball and
read an entire book
or listen to five new albums I downloaded obessively
because I heard one song by that band that I liked
and I needed the whole collection
And I’ll curl up by myself
and I’ll listen til I fall asleep
and I’ll lie comatose for four hours
because I haven’t slept in weeks
and I’ll wake up with pain all down my spine
and realize I forgot to blow out the candles
and it will be okay
I’ll be okay.
And at some point
the nightmares will stop
I’ll stop seeing you
seeing you with her
with me
I’ll just stop seeing you
I’ll forget the light in your eyes
and the lilt of your laughter
and the stubble that grew so lightly when you forgot to shave that morning and
how it tickled my neck when you would whisper into me
3:45am when I rolled over
with a nightmare, seeking comfort
in the days before I knew you were a worse nightmare
before I learned to hold myself because
no one else will always be there.
And I’ll stop daydreaming about
carving out
pieces of my flesh like
some kind of goddamn sacrifice to you
spilling my blood like it will draw you back
and I’ll breathe
and I’ll be whole
and I’ll be okay
and I’ll wait for the next someone
who steals my breath
who makes me forget that
I can survive loneliness and
the world is bigger than my bedroom.
Or just someone who
makes me forget the scent of your skin
after the third time we made love and
broke promises for the first of many times.
Either way
I’ll wait
I’ll wait
and I’ll go on surviving and remembering
how to forget.

It feels like a betrayal of myself to even address this to him. I hate writing as if to myself and not a seperate party, yet that’s what he has reduced me to. I don’t know how to crawl out of that.
I was just beginning to heal, a thin veneer of new skin growing over my wounds. He appeared out of nowhere and tore them open with his bare hands. I collapsed, bleeding and weak, and he laughed as he walked away. He thinks it makes him strong, not caring, but it only reveals his fragile self-perception to me. I have been the strong one. I have been the one capable of remaining single, capable of expressing and processing my thoughts, feelings and doubts as they come. I think he wants that. I think he at least doesn’t want me to have it. He wants to strip me of my stability. He wants me to feel inadequate and exposed. And I do. His fear tactics worked. He is making me question things I never used to question. He has made me want to slay my own hopes.
Yet deep inside, there is a little spark whispering to me, “what he tries to make you feel is what he feels about himself. Hold your hands open. Breathe. Exhale. Stretch. Lift your heart. This will pass. The bleeding will stop. You will heal. You will heal. You will heal. You are stronger than him.”

I fling my window open wide so I can feel the rain
Like giving myself away too quick, trading safety for pain
The cold blows in so quietly, it reminds me of your voice
I trusted you to save me, you made me regret my choice
Like vision before sleeping, I’m fading away, slow
Your memories of me slip away. I turn into a ghost
Before you I was colorful, impetuous and young
After you I’ve grown old and worn. I’m cautious. I am numb.

I thought (you were) the answer

to (my life) questions

and (I was) the series

of remedies (for your pain)

(we were) so easy,

pressing on each others’ (bleeding) hearts. 

It only numbed the hurt

(thinking) we were healers

and now we’re infected (crawling)

through (shards of)
our former selves

trying to find (meaning)

(in) our mutual (destruction.)

(Your broken) promises 
still spilling from my wrists 
and (chest)

I can feel new flesh

growing (over my) bones.

(Hope) I helped you

while you made sure I

could (never) write about us becoming

(each others’) 
heroes.

Read entirely, then inside the brackets, then outside the brackets.

Part 2

You’re trapped inside my ribs

like a butterfly

ramming against my insides

crushing your own wings

to get out. 

You become transparent and

your colors settle on my soul like dust

and it’s ironic how,

the feeling of you being inside me

used to set me free

but now

I’m a prison to us both

and you’ve swallowed the key.

- Is there a way my words can cut deep enough to release us both?

I need to write you out
I feel it in my bones
the way I used to feel you 
move inside me
sighing into 
my moans
but words are stuck
inside my pen
& dying to get out
like a butterfly
they’re trapped inside
my ribcage, 
wings crushed
ramming against 
walls of
my goddamn
self-preservation
& self-doubt.
color falls
off the wings
transparent
& settles on my soul 
like a blanket
you gave my hurt
a place to cling
but when it grew 
too heavy
you took my wings
& without you
I’m trapped inside
this prison I call
my mind
funny how your flesh
set me free
by invading mine
& you being gone
has also somehow
taken me from me
& I think
I think
I think
I’ll never fly again
I always 
gave you release
but I’m my own prison
& you’ve swallowed 
the key
can I use my words
to cut you open
as deep as you cut me?
to unlock my emotion
& find recovery?
you’re just a ghost
so good at haunting
quick to disappear
until I’m left  
clinging onto nothing
filled up with your color
trembling fingers
trembling lips
I can’t be emptied, 
filled, or healed
the simple memory 
of your hips
is now my only lullaby
I rock myself to sleep
sweating
singing

goodbye
goodbye.