The Pen is Mightier

August 2010

She can almost feel the razor's grateful claws tearing her skin

painting a picture, carving out the ugliness that lies within

the scars are old, the words are fresh

she stares into the mirror, a mess

and wonders at the empty eyes

that gaze back into her and cry

Her fist meets her reflection, shattered glass

picks up a pen, pulls of the cap

and traces ink along the flesh she marred when she was seventeen

she hopes the storms will pass in time

that she'll survive and walk out clean

she writes the words above her scars, trying to make herself believe

no matter how she may deserve it, her first love will never leave

moments turn to hours and she's covered head to toe in black

with words of wisdom, words of truth, promises He won't take back

the pain subsides, her breathing slows

fear shrinks away, inside peace grows

at last she rests her head, her eyes

and sings herself a lullaby.

In the Flower

April 27, 2010

She shivered in the autumn breeze

pulling away the fallen leaves

breaking into forsaken ground

Bitten nails collecting dirt

she dug until her fingers hurt

her sobs the only sound

Then staring into the black hole

before her, she took out the bulb

and placed it there alone

And covering it again, there she

rocked back and forth, hugging her knees

till all she was went numb

Soon the season changed to snow

and day and night, by the window

she watched the world move on

Without her, nothing changed it seemed

but every day she felt more weak

the passion she’d had, gone

And like her, out beneath the snow

the lonely bulb lay stark and cold

and only saw the dark

They didn’t know that all the beauty

all the daring to be free

lay hidden in their hearts

One day the snow began to melt

the sun grew warm, the river swelled

and slowly she emerged

From where she’d hidden for so long

she came forth, growing ever-strong

regaining courage

An inner purpose battled pain

with naught to lose yet much to gain

and finally she bloomed

And she stood proud against the wind

summoning all she had within

and challenging the gloom

Both cold and tired, but they were there

the bud opened, meeting her stare

blurring her gaze with tears

She lay herself down in the mud

and cried again, her joy a flood

restrained so many years

For what had been so hard and dull

and broken, now made new and whole

it dawned on her that hour

That though the start of every story

began with roots of hurt, the glory

that is life lies still within; hope is in the flower

Black and White Love Song

March 1, 2010

She squeezes her eyes shut, filling her lungs with air and slowly allowing them to empty through her lips again. Her hands are poised imperfectly on the keys of the piano before her. She is longing to go back, back to when she was a little girl, when striking the keys in random patterns – now one alone, now four at a time – seemed to generate music. It was before she knew the rules; before she knew the names of the notes, the meaning of timing… before the magic was lost.

Slowly she presses with her fingertips: a black key, a white key. She tries to forget which notes they are, forget the meanings of flat and sharp, forget the meaning of rhythm. Black and white, like the ink on the pages of every journal; every tear soaked or joy drenched heart cry she has recorded. Black and white like the pictures hanging on her wall; faces of those to whom her heart belongs, spread out and scattered, many far away, some nearby. Black and white like the clock behind her; ticking away every second of her life, condemning each new moment to fade into the past. Black and white like her life; so dark that she never sees what lies next around the corner, yet so pure and unblemished the possibilities laid before her when she chooses to embrace them.

She is so caught up in her own thoughts now she hardly feels the tears; emotion streaking black down pale cheeks. She has become that little girl again, lost in a moment – a messy collision of wrong notes and rhythms, colored only by a cracking voice, declaring brave things into the surrounding gloom.

This is her love song.

Happening

January 9, 2009

I can’t believe this is

happening

like the fairy tale of

my life finally

happening

Like you peeled away

the layers

and opened up the pages

and finally someone liked

what they

saw in there

And I was afraid

so afraid

to let you in

but you pushed

just a little

so I let you win

and I don’t think

I’ll regret it

no matter what’s ahead

’cause I’m healed and

transformed

by everything you’ve said

You can’t seem

to contain it

and that undoes

my resistance

and I begin to trust

you and your gentle insistence

and I gave you

everything dead and dry inside

with a bitter smile

waiting for you to

give up trying

And you look in my eyes

hypnotized

and you fan a spark

and I’m alight

and I’m dreaming again

and I’m terrified

and I’m breathing you in

as our stories collide

and I melt on your chest

putty in your hands

but you don’t take advantage

and I don’t understand

This is impossible

this is surreal

I’m so overwhelmed

I don’t know what to feel

consume

believe

love

desire

accept

embrace

inspire

me

you

are becoming

consistency

hope

addictive

hope

my best friend

hope

so hold me

tight

hold me…

I can’t believe this is happening.

Drift Away

December 25, 2009

The dark is too black and the silence too still. So I release my dreams, the light, the song to my world. The sound to overcome silence, light to conquer the darkness. The things I used to cower away from in fear, things I never believed in are finally here. The impossible things, the happy endings, the laughter, the stars, the rain on the roof of my car. Your hand in mine and the look on your face. Close my eyes now and I’ll drift away.

Healing

December 10, 2009

Seated in silence. Trying to fit in with many complacent hearts surrounding him. Trying to ignore the stirring within his heart. Begging himself not to long for more. But every time he closes his eyes, all he can see is her staring back.

She is marked. Defined by pain and bitterness. Drowning in hopelessness. Suffocated by an unsatisfied longing. She is wrapped up tightly, like a ball of yarn. She resists love. She resists being desired. She is resigned to being alone forever. She no longer believes in destiny, in fairy tale endings.

He lifts the guitar, closing his eyes so he can see her beautiful face. In that moment he reads something different in her eyes, something her lips have never dared to utter. She is a dreamer, and he dreams of her. He strums, laying bare his soul. He bleeds precious words to the rhythm of his hands. He wants something more. She tries not to.

Every sense she has is being overcome. She is frustrated; spinning out of control. He is willfully unraveling her. His eyes wake life within her. Her hatred calls forth a deeper love from him.

Old wounds begin to open. Images flood her mind: men who have stolen from her, men she has given to. She screams. Weeps. Thrashes.

He leans forward. Crying. Singing. Kissing her, kissing her…

She relents, letting him in. And he says her scars are also his. He says she is beautiful, beautiful… she says he is out of his mind. He is covered in her blood now but still pressing closer. She is not holding on. She is not hiding. He is holding her. He is exposed. And for the very first time she is at ease.

She is healing, healing…

The Tree

November 26, 2009

She eyes the gaping, empty hole before her feet.

This was it.

She kneels and reaches into it, taking a fistful of soft, fertile soil and allowing it to fall through her fingers. Her face is blank, her eyes far away. She is feeling reality, and reality is overcoming her feeling. Her heart is being drained until she is as desolate as the ground before her.

This had been her safe place. A tree, strong and constant had once stood here, roots stretched deeply into the ground below, branches extending out in every direction so that each time she approached she felt welcomed and embraced. When storms raged, she found shelter nestled against the trunk. When the heat of the day beat down upon her, the leaves provided shade.

She discovered a soft place in the tree and dug a hollow into it; she knew the pain it endured for her, and she felt a twinge of guilt at marring it. Yet a need greater than guilt and stronger than pain compelled her. When she had dug deeply enough, she began to give. There she whispered secrets and hid her treasures. And when her own heart broke, she bled into it, sharing her pain.

She had seen this coming. She knew the tree was worthy of more than being forever anchored to the ground. But knowing was no preparation for the loss she now felt. Her safe place, her shelter, no longer hers.

Tears are flowing freely now, her heart breaking again, bleeding into the hole before her, and creating a sickening, hopeless mixture. At last exhausted, she succumbs to her emptiness and collapses. Beneath the surface she is still alive, but to the world around her she is dead. She is in a place apart from time, without emotion, She is in a place alone, with no desire to try again.

The rain falls.

Drop by drop it begins to cleanse her. It feels fresh and alive. It beckons her to open her eyes. At length she concedes reluctantly, and is startled by what she sees.

A face, new and yet familiar, weeps over her.

He is the rain, the hope awakening her, feeling her pain before she means to reveal it. He holds out his hand. Slowly, painfully, she rises. He turns her face away from the emptiness of her past, the gaping absence of what was.

And deep within she feels something new and strange and beautiful filling her. Love is taking root. Hope has been planted.

And she is stronger.

Promise

November 16, 2009

Teach me what this means.

Shatter expectations.

Wash away the haunting nightmares as love overcomes fear.

Scare away my pain.

Accept my invitation.

Cover me like clouds cover the sun on rainy days.

Show me how to breathe.

Steal my bleak surrender.

Whisper to me from miles away until I feel you near.

Change my life today.

Make my hard heart tender.

Put your arms around me now and promise that you’ll stay.

Shooting Star

November 4, 2009

He’s her shining star; her unattainable dream. The resolve within that makes her feel alive. The man she never thought existed until she met him. He was not what she thought she was looking for; nowhere close to what she wanted. But he filled her up regardless. He filled an empty space she never knew was wanting. She found in him a comfort, a hope. Her very being attached to him, pulled him in and tried to consume him.

But it wasn’t enough.

She feels the strain of it now: the undeniable pain of unrequited need. She wishes she were enough to somehow capture the depth of his affections. But a wish is not enough to sustain him.

He’s her only star; she is the night sky. Dwelling within one another. Clinging to one another. She has become accustomed to the burning warmth of his fire within her. Now she feels it begin to wane as the earth calls him to herself. His need to stay within a comfort of what he knows begins to succumb to his need for her and her gravity pulls him downward.

He’s her shooting star, falling quickly away from the expanse of her cold, dark existence. The only thing she wants to hold onto and the very thing she is losing. The white streak he leaves upon her as he lets go feels like a piece of himself. She wills it to linger but it fades away, leaving only one scar upon her existence; the empty space that he alone had occupied.

And then he is gone. Melding into the welcoming embrace of the earth.

No longer her shooting star. No longer lighting her darkness. No longer a piece of her, but a piece of something greater.

He’s a fallen star, an unattainable dream, but no longer hers.

Wings

October 23, 2009

Eyes withholding tears, staring bleakly into the sky

Seeing things I can’t attain no matter how I try

Wasn’t long ago these wings appeared upon my back

A promise of potential that’s now slipping through the cracks

Beckoning to me, the sky had opened up that day

Consuming every thought was this: that I could fly away

And so I climbed a balcony, my expectation high

Took a leap and spread my wings, assured that I would fly

But swiftly my wings crumpled and I came crashing down

My expectations crumbled, smashing me into the ground

Calling strength into my legs I stood, heavy and weak

Blood flowed into my eyes till pain was all that I could see

I turned and limped away, thinking to leave the hurt behind

But I could not escape the scars or longing in my mind

And worst of all, the maddening call I once had heard and loved

Streaming down like painful rain from dried up dreams above

I ducked into a cave, the one place I felt I could hide

And pulled a knife out of a place I once had tucked inside

Determining myself, I cut deeply into my wings

So alive and strong they were, I screamed against the sting

Scarlet pooled beneath me as I sank back off my feet

Exhausted by destruction, I stared myself to sleep

When I awoke, I crawled outside; the night was still and dark

Clouds had gathered, veiling from my face the moon and stars

Where the wings had been was now an ugly, gaping wound

The throbbing now began again; I had to end it soon

I sought a rocky precipice and climbed up to the top

My feet and fingers cracked against the hard and jagged rocks

Resting on the ledge I closed my eyes, began to sing

The sound broke through the clouds, as if the stars were listening

Responding to my lonely cry, light spilled onto the ground

As if now calling to let go, to let myself fall down

I raised my voice and sang a little braver to the air

And inside courage grew that I had never known was there

I flung open my arms, refusing to succumb to pain

And plunged into the night, unsure of what it would contain

I braced myself, but found within a moment I could fly

When I ceased trying to succeed and simply sought to die

Ice

October 10, 2009

Ice.

That’s how you’d describe her. If you’d known her earlier, you’d have called her something else. In her youngest days, you would have caller her mist. She was transparent, she was light, and she was free. You could slip into her presence and breathe in the essence of who she was. She welcomed you, settling upon you assuredly, calming your fears.

As she grew older, you would have called her a river. Raw, alive, and powerful; she sought out the hardest stones with the most jagged edges. Crashing against them, relentless, determined to smooth them. Beneath her will, they eroded – their nature changed.

She provoked restlessness. To be in her presence was to believe there must be more than mere existence. You felt sure that if somehow you could grasp her, you could see what she saw. You could be alive like she was. And yet she eluded you, beckoning you to follow. And when you tried, you were swept away.

But nobody asked what she really needed. Nobody sought what propelled her. We all assumed she just was. And when she changed, we didn’t understand how. The process of her transformation escaped us; none of us had been deep enough to see. And now, we couldn’t get past what our eyes beheld.

Ice: frozen solid. Layer upon layer of unbreakable coldness. The force that once compelled her has ceased. She doesn’t touch anyone now. And if you try to touch her you only reach a sharp, exterior layer. Her heart is deeply buried. It is hidden. She is untouchable and cold. She is closed and immovable. Yet she is alive. And she is in pain too severe to reveal.

She wishes a fire would find her. A blazing, reckless fire, resolved to melt her. To see whom she is even in her frozenness and unlock that reality again. To burn, refusing to be extinguished even if she melts. To give her purpose again, quenching the pain of the earth with the pain of her existence.

But was that really she? The thought now feels so foreign, like a dream you try to remember but it has already vanished. She gives up.

But not so far away, a fire burns. It is stirred with passion, fueled by hope, alive with possibility.

And one day, she will yield. One day, she will become.

The Wall

October 4, 2009

She thought she'd fallen hard before tonight

but now the clouds had gathered and extinguished all her light

she thought she knew what it felt like to darken with despair

but until now she'd never been wounded beyond repair

And as her world caved in around her, she remembered when

singing, dancing, dreaming, laughing defined who she had been...

But she'd been tainted since that time

marked by others' demands

pushed back, torn open, redefined

exposed, heart closed... she ran

She found a lonely place and built a wall

to shelter her from any storm, she built it strong and tall

but left an open roof to see the stars

so when she'd look up, for a moment, she'd forget her scars

But tonight she felt afraid in ways she'd not before

she'd huddled close against her wall, hugging tight her knees

outside was raging a terrific storm

and old wounds were reopening, she'd begun again to bleed

A lightning bolt crashed through her wall and pierced right through her heart

she'd gasped in shock and pain - and then the sky went dark

she'd been dealt a deathblow, even through her best defenses

and now she fell into oblivion, crying herself senseless

And in that place of darkest, dreamless death to what defined her

the rain blew gently through the hole the storm left in her fortress

cool drops fell on her face and exposed wounds; a strange reminder

of who she'd been: refreshing, free, alive, tender and fearless

The skies began to drench her, cleanse her, soothe her weary mind

she pushed away the pain and rose, blinking her bloodshot eyes

peering through the wall, she saw the hope for something new

and weak and frail she set herself to what she had to do

Brick by brick her cold and aching fingers tore away

the wall that had so long kept her from coming apart

and with each piece she removed, she found another place

ceased to ache and fester restlessly within her heart

...And as she tore her world apart, remembering what had been

she found herself restored, believing, dreaming once again

Dreaming

September 28, 2009

She wonders aloud how many more times. How many times must she learn not to let herself get so attached? She is sick of letting everyone go. Will she ever have even one stay? Will someone push through her walls just because he loves her, take on her pain and shelter her heart from the storm forever raging within? Will she find someone who will see into her, fill and complete her dreams?

She manages to breathe again. Too strong right now to let herself cry. Too lonely to feel the skies watching her. Too hopeless to see the step right in front of her.

She lets her eyes close, detaching her mind from reality and drifting into darkness alive with restless dreams.

Rest in the Wilderness

August 6, 2009

Hosea 2:14-15 Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth...

Awakened from sleep to go chasing a dream

Running past trees, splashing through streams

When dark fills the sky and the rain starts to pour

I won’t give up, push deeper into the storm

The wind tearing at my hair and my skin

Resisting each footstep, and I’m wearing thin

I remember the dream still within my heart

So I won’t give up, though I’m falling apart

I come to a mountain, beginning to climb

Focus on going higher, no concept of time

My fingers are bleeding, my arms tired and aching

My hope’s disappearing, my confidence shaken

“Maybe on the other side is a place I can rest”

I say as I finally reach the crest

I look down below me, and no sign of life

The skies have cleared up, but my dream’s out of sight

I sit on the cliff as the tears fill my eyes

I feel pain fill my heart as I hear all the lies

I take a deep breath and I unclench my fists

A song breaks the sky, making my focus shift

“I was with you in the beauty

I was with you in the rain

I am with you on the mountain

I’ll be with you in the pain”

I follow the voice down, to the desert below

It recalls my dream and whispers “let it go”

I fall on my knees and I let out a cry

I want to understand, I want to know why

The sun beats down hotter, the lies grow intense

Dehydrating quickly, nothing here makes sense

I want to get past this, I want to forget

The voice speaks again “you’re not finished here yet”

And this time there’s a hand, just within my reach

Maybe I’m just crazy…but it’s held out to me

I reach out to take it, and find myself held

I find my fears quieted, darkness dispelled

His touch is like water and I lay my head on His chest

And in the rhythm of His heartbeat I start to find rest

He sings songs of hope, and I breathe it in deep

And in the midst of the wilderness, I fall back to sleep

Just Jump

March 4, 2009

Sitting on a staircase leading up a thousand floors

to a hundred disappointments waiting behind rows of doors

a tear for every memory

to coat the steps behind

eyes lifted in uncertainty

as, upward still, she climbs

Every question, fear and lie is raging in her head

drowning out reality, muffling what You said

her eyes now colored bloodshot

her throat now raw with screams

her back riddled, tense with knots

decaying hopes and dreams

Why does she stay this deadly course of feeling she is in?

Why does she so spend herself, knowing she'll never win?

A thought, a vision, faintest sound

appears within her heart

it rises hopes she thought she'd drowned

it shreds her world apart

"The choice is yours now, angel...and always it has been

to leave this drought of disappointing death and live again.

Your hopelessness has maddened you

and kept you on this road

you choose these lies over My truth

and up, and up you go

As if one of these doors you keep looking behind

will ever hold the treasure you long for, yet never find

I know it's hard to hear My voice

between your cries of pain

but YOU, My love can quiet the noise

that's making you insane

Don't look left or right or up or down for your escape

look long, look high, look deep, look wide...look beyond the staircase

it's time for bigger things for us

it's time you rise above

it's time you take the risk and trust

it's time you fall in love

Together we will take the world and make our dreams come true

if you'll say yes, I'll take your heart and breathe life into you

I'll strengthen where you're tired

I'll heal you where you hurt

I'll stir within your heart a fire

whisper how much you're worth

Look beyond the things you think, the things you see and feel

only in what's unknown, unseen will you discover REAL

just jump off of the staircase

take a breath, eyes open wide

then land safe in my embrace

I know you're scared...but try

...and only when you lose yourself in Me

the lies fade out.

You're stepping into destiny

to hell with fear and doubt."

Past the Point of no Return

November 26, 2008

A whisper pierces through darkest night – a call for light, to warm the cold

I freeze in fear till a hand in mine holds firm and patient, with an urgency

a teardrop hits my cheek – the icy encasing around my life feels its blow

hot tears of desperate brokenness, the voice pleading with its simple sound:

”awake, awake! Come with Me now”.

I scan the room, no one else stirs - they sleep as if they’re dead and then

the eyes, so clear before my face: the source of all the burning tears, the voice that kills my deepest fears -

they beckon now, if sights could speak, they’ve reached my ears.

I stir within and squeeze the hand, it pulls me up and leads me on

the wake of brokenhearted love coming from One I thought I knew is what I’m drenched in now

as I go in and out of unseen mysteries untold by saints of old beyond what words or cries could ever speak.

My heart shatters and yet ignites, spurred on by He who speaks ahead

His very breath surrounds me like a ribbon – purified, liquid love.

And I inhale the passion that destroys the walls I built around the dreams too big He placed in me

and suddenly I find I’ve lost myself. I’ve moved into a different realm

where all I hear inside my head is a voice of endless love and life

and to my left and to my right angels echoing His dreams

and down below the painful and disturbing screams of long forsaken souls and I know that now I hold the keys – equipped with wings to set them free.

He embraces me and with the sweetest kiss that forces me deeper than I can go…

I’m now released in drunken bliss to pull Him down into the deepest despair

and He will wreck our plans from there, that every heart and mind might know that He’s all we’ve been longing for - our air, and freedom’s open door; our one true love, our only hope; healer of wounds, joy of our souls!

Inside me now the fire has begun to burn so we can join Him

in His sweet melodic dance and follow through the broken darkness –

past the point of no return.

Despair

August 12, 2008

I bite my lip and try hard to cry

the feeling of anguish just passing the time

I willingly opened my heart up and gave

now I’m dying slowly, my spirit enslaved

There are moments of bliss when You touch who I am

then when I plummet, my strength worn so thin

this one image constantly filling my head

Satan’s claws deep inside, tearing me to shreds

Laughing to himself as I bleed on his hands

as I writhe and I mutter, “I don’t understand…”

I’m asking these questions for which there’s no answer

the breath of despair’s spreading through me like cancer

I got myself here and I can’t get out now

I’m not sure just why, I’m not even sure how

and I see Your light shining just beyond reach

there’s so much I could learn, even more You could teach

But instead I lie down, keep my screaming inside

grow number, and number, and finally die

Fly

July 5, 2008

I’ve been in this so long time has frozen in one place

I can’t see the right from wrong, all I see is the waste

I’ve made of all the gifts and all the time You gave to me

My focus quickly shifts from Your eyes onto my feet

The ground I walk uncertain, there’s sweat dripping from my nose

You’re pulling back the curtain on the damage in my soul

It hurts to run away from You, but even more to stay

I’m sick of not having a clue of what to do or say

But tired more am I of never being in control

I clench my fists so tight I dig deeper into this hole

I harden and grown numb but You refuse to leave my side

You still bleed out Your love, You still cry out Your life

I can’t escape from You so I open up my hands

You long to make me new, so I let go and hope You can

So light this life on fire, watch the ashes float away

Let hope outweigh where I’m so tired, restore where I’ve decayed

You replace these crippled legs with wings and set me free

You tell me I can fly, I take a step, and suddenly…

Someday

June 22, 2008

Back aches with the weight of her sin

Sometimes she just screams because she’s so locked in

She’ll think for a moment that maybe she’s loved

Then throw it away cause she wasn’t enough

She’ll give it all just to remain in his arms

For more than a second, just so she feels warm

But he walks away and her heart throbs with pain

She wasn’t good enough to keep him once again

Tears come so often, but once she was strong

She wants to go back but it’s been way too long

He’s gone away now, out of her reach forever

And inside she thinks she just should have been better

She collapses, Alone. And she won’t lift her eyes.

She’s consumed with her failure. Consumed with the lies.

And her daddy holds her, though she can’t feel His touch

His heart bleeds for her, but her pain is too much

Still He never gives up, and with her He stays

Someday she’ll stop trying to keep Him away

Masterpiece

June 17, 2008

A world untouched

by pain and filth

must have attracted

the opposite

because when you entered

that’s what you brought

Compromise, insecurity

hatred, defeat

and “where do I go now”

Rising tears to my eyes

none of this is how I’d

hoped, planned, thought

I opened up

to something new

and experienced

what it means to be used

exposed heart touched

crumbles like shards of glass

And you were always

there for me

to help out again

try to make sense

Out of the pieces

temporary relief never lasts

Eyes bleed;

all tears have been cried

and I scream

for something real

but reality’s too hard a request

when I’m so torn

I’m dying inside

trying to lose your memory

losing myself in the process

to a lie

in the death of hope and dreams

agony is born

Father – my only help

shatters the heavens

to be by my side

but even His love

right now

makes me ache

He dresses my wounds

I cringe and cry out

yet stay near Him

to look in His eyes

as He weeps over me

what will it take?

“Let me do something,”

I mutter,

”the pain’s too immense”

but efforts are useless

my energy’s spent

all I can do is let Him hold me

But is it really possible

for Him to restore

who I am?

It seems too much damage

”close your eyes,” He says

”it’ll help you to see.”

And as I turn my gaze

away from this mess

I finally feel Him

kissing me

whispering “masterpiece”

to a mind carved by lies

I want to believe that it’s true

but the hope is too much

so I just stay alive

in His arms

in His dreams

and some pain in me dies

I’m slow and unsure

of everything now

but in His arms I feel

I can breathe

I can be me

and I rest

He sings restoration

I don’t understand how

but I’m willing to give

what’s left of me

open my heart

and I bury my face in His chest

All That's Left

June 11, 2008

Deafening silence makes my itching ears bleed

in the confusion of this empty loneliness

filled with hopelessness

Scratching at this fear with nails bitten to nothing

corruption caused by artificial security

cornered by my impurity

Moisture hanging in dry air around

dew drops burning empty clouds

satisfy my evaporating soul

Eyes appear in distance near

strong and brown, tear through my protection

dry lips scream for affection

Flames encompass the emptiest spaces

licking at all my bared mistakes

leaving life in their wake

And when I’m out of this dark place

I’ll be beyond all recognition

unaware of my condition

Identity found and inhibitions lost

all of me sunk away into desperation

no more hesitation

All that’s left is You and Your eyes

Your gaze holds me up above my prison cell

spirit lifted above this forsaken shell

Smile Through the Tears

May 2008

Exhausted. Blistered. Bleeding. Bruised

As low as the dust I'm lying in

I've stomped this spark out so many times

My legs have given out again

And in feeble, hopeless pain I scream

With empty, aching, restless thoughts

Echoing off the walls of my skull

I tear at my hair, scratch at my skin

But self-inflicted wounds cannot make me whole

Then stop. In silence. Listening

A desperate, lonely, saddened cry

Reaches my itching, bleeding ears

It's the beat of my own heart

The sound of its dreams. The sound of its fears.

Clutch at the air. Cry into the wind.

I'm confused, lost, giving up.

When then I hear a whisper faint

A sound of hope, as if from Heaven

Echoing peace inside of my brain

Lie still. Don't move. Waiting. Waiting.

Huge and heavy feathered wings

Surround me now, like answered prayers

I'm scarred but secure, and not going back

My eyes are not dry, but I smile through the tears

Alive now. And loved. In this safety I sing.

Loneliness

May 19, 2008

She awakes from her world of dreams again. Cold reality greets her, taunting her with whispers that she will never touch the realm of impossibilities like she can when she’s asleep. She breathes. Another day.

She lies still, tracing circles around her navel with her fingertips and thinking empty thoughts. She is not one of those girls who can trust her own heart; it has led her wrong far too many times. But sometimes she allows herself to explore the possibility of her dreams coming true. She imagines peace. She imagines love. She sees herself holding tightly to his hands; discovering each other deeply. She can almost feel his gaze holding hers, the back of his fingertips caressing her cheek. Her body reacts to the weight of her emotion; her calm disappearing as she heaves deep, painful sobs. What she wouldn’t give for that moment.

She wraps her arms around her knees. As much as it hurts to feel so deeply with so much uncertainty, it’s better than being numb. Someday he will hold her so she doesn’t have to hold herself… but she doesn’t believe it yet. So alone she sits. Alone she remains; and a sea of loneliness envelops her.

But even the sea can’t drown her love.

Be

May 15, 2008

It’s as if my dreams and desires have been on hold while my stolen heart no longer beats to fuel them… and now, at last, they begin to return. I am living more, suddenly. In dreams, in visions, in thoughts. I am beginning to accept my way of dealing with things. The fact that I can nail the coffin little by little until it’s sealed shut. That there’s no way to do anything quickly anymore. I am not a child with a skinned knee. I am not even a teenager with a broken heart. I’ve moved to a new level. I’m a broken spirit, a broken smile; I’m a bird with broken wings – unsure of my purpose and only able to see from the perspective of one grounded. My heart is so desperate for something it can’t have that it gives up what it already possesses, I am overzealous, overweight, over-stimulated. I’m exhausted, attempting here to find relief. But what is relief anyway? I’ve tried everything. Done it all. Now I have only to be…

… And everything that has fallen apart will someday find a way to bring us back together…

Known

December 23, 2007

Slowly they hobble toward the waiting bench; their oasis. He carries only his briefcase and her purse; she carries only their coats, yet they seem to be struggling, out of breath from the weight of their burdens.

At last, triumphantly, they arrive at the bench and sit down next to one another. He retrieves a small box of crackers from his briefcase and presents them to her. Her wrinkled hands receive them and they feast together in happy silence.

They don’t even need to speak at this point. Their silvered hair and weathered faces speak of a long history together – of long and passionate kisses in their youth, of cold and sleepless nights apart, of crying infants placed into their arms, screaming teenagers slamming doors in their faces, and steady embraces with endless hot tears cried onto each other’s shoulders when they weren’t sure if they would make it through.

They don’t need to speak anymore, but now I see that they do. They are fully known. They have faced it all. They know each other inside and out; their hearts beat as one. They let their trials bring them closer; they chose each other over themselves. They have true intimacy.

How I long to be known like that…

And I will be.

More

June 13, 2007

Stretched out across this cold, hard floor

my thoughts are too deep to ignore

I fight the urge to numb my brain

I close my eyes and feel the pain

I wonder where you are tonight

with someone else? And what’s she like?

Do you share the things you shared with me?

In love so deeply you can’t sleep?

Or are you all alone and scared?

Scared there’s no one for you out there?

Gripping your pillow, screaming tears

given to empty, hopeless fear?

Are you like me, and missing “us”?

Wishing there could have been more trust?

Wanting to hold me one last time

find in me what you’ll never find?

Tonight I miss your fingertips

I miss your heart, I miss your lips

my spirit is too heavy now

for me to breathe, and yet somehow

a silent cry, I find a way

to clear my mind and start to pray

We were made for more than all this

feeble minded emptiness

step into who you are and know

our Father never let us go

I fight for me, I fight for you

I cry for you to find the truth

…and though my heart’s no longer yours

I love you purer, deeper, harder, stronger than I ever could before

Acceptable Sacrifice

May 10, 2007

And I’ve poured myself out a million times

all my words, all my thoughts, all my dreams

and I’ve stripped my heart bare of all power and dignity

to find nothing is as it seems

And I’ve been left alone with nothing at all

but the silence, scar tissue and sobs

and I’ve reached for his hand but he never saw

and I feel as if I have been robbed

I’m brittle and bleeding and dead but alive

I’m scraping and reaching and hearing the cries

of the people still living within these black walls

their eyes peering through as I walk down the halls

We’re desperate for difference, we settle for peace

as we pursue happiness, sorrows increase

we stretch for each other and unity’s bond

lock fingers together to make us feel strong

Futility this life has offered to us

depleted and empty and void of all trust

I’ve scratched at my surface and yanked out the roots

of the lies in my heart, and the too painful truths

And I’ve lived far too long in nonsensical pain

I look in Your eyes now and lose everything

And I’m not who I was and I’ve fallen apart

and I’m grateful to hand You my soft, broken heart

Redefined

November 28, 2006

Tangled up so long in this

ugly mess I've made

every sin surrounding me

in every different shade

finding my identity in

someone else's eyes

then screaming as they turn from me

but never heed my cries

dirty and alone I'm left

with nothing but dry tears

color drained out from my face

running from my fears

broken in a way I've never

had to be before

losing faith in every time

You said I'd be restored

I crawl onto an altar

and beg for this to end

clenched fists in desperation

at last now You descend

You kill my every sorrow

and douse me in Your life

I drink in all your presence

and let go all my strife

You spill out all Your beauty

and call me redefined

as You pour out Your colors

they spill outside my lines

Cry

August 17, 2006

I bang my head against the wall

but I can’t get these tears to fall

and while my life before me lies

my death flashes before my eyes

This air I breathe is thick and brown

and emptiness is all around

my nails dig into nothingness

my thoughts become so meaningless

I say aloud “this is the end”

and darkness all around descends

to rest upon my bleeding soul

and fill these never ending holes

And blinded now, alone I sit

forsaken in this hopeless pit

the cries for help don’t leave my lips

as death around me slowly drips

Out of Time

August 2, 2006

My eyes are dry

the tears in them

don't fall down anymore

my heart is crushed

it couldn't take

the pain that lies in store

my mind is gone

into a place

it's never been before

and being here all by myself cuts deep into my core

My lungs collapsed

the air inside of them

they couldn't hold

my ears, they bleed

from all the screams

and all the lies we told

the fire in

my eyes goes out

my dreams become so cold

and all I have inside this shell is my unwilling soul

I think of you

and slowly I

begin to wonder why

you didn't care

about me when

you left me high and dry

there was a time

not long ago

for you I would have died

but now you're at my door again and you've run out of time

The Final Nail

July 16, 2006

All my wishes fill my heart

until it tears in two

all my dreams

never realized

all my hopes for you

they’ve weighed on me

and brought me pain

for so much time on end

so pull me out

a coffin now

let the burial begin

I’ll throw my thoughts

and memories

of everything with you

into this cold

forsaken box

wish I was in it too

I’ll drive the nails

into the top

and cringe with every blow

I never dreamt

it’d hurt so bad

wish I still didn’t know

My broken heart

begins to bleed

yet I feel more alive

as I lay my

past behind

and let my own plans

die

Will it all be worth it?

July 12, 2006

Sometimes I just sit and think about everything from my past...wondering what could have happened in some situations if I would have had the courage to step out and be vulnerable...wondering what could have been prevented in other situations if I would have been willing to step up and be courageous. There are so many times in my life when I have sat on the sidelines and watched so many incredible opportunities pass me by out of fear. Fear of how people might look at me; fear of failure...even just a fear of it making me less comfortable with where I am.

But what is the point of life if there’s no honesty? What is a friendship based on lies? What is love worth inside of your comfort zone? What is joy without sadness? Is life worth living without risk? I base so many decisions on the chance that I might fail and that might hurt, and as a result I never try and never make any forward progress. Victory is bland if you've never tasted defeat.

Will there be pain? Inevitably. Will it leave scars? No doubt. Will it be worth it all in the end? Absolutely. A life based on what I know is true and not based on the opinions of others has more hope in it than my heart can contain. And that kind of hope itself is worth more than words could say.

So next time an opportunity comes up, lets seize it, not shy away in fear of it. Its up to us to take those chances, because if we don’t, no one else will.

Wash Away

June 30, 2006

My heart is aching, cut and bruised

my legs are giving out

and this is when I turn to You

although I'm filled with doubt

My spirit is completely crushed

my soul is feeling trapped

and this is when You need my trust

when all my cords have snapped

My eyes are blinded by the dark

I'm scared to even breathe

and God, You've never seemed so far

have You forsaken me?

Then all the ground begins to shake

the earth beneath me splits

I know my life must be at stake

I desperately clutch it

But I can't hold on anymore

and I fall through the cracks

I hear the rain begin to pour

and struggle to crawl back

Then You reach down and pull me up

and set me in the rain

I lay down in the rising flood

You wash away my pain

Free

June 11, 2006

The sludge of lies and memories

close in around my aching feet

and I begin to slip away

I whisper with no words to say

The fears echo into my life

thick, laden with pain and strife

the darkness of my thoughts and doubts

are so deep I cannot get out

I stumble and fall on my face

and feel perhaps that is my place

yet somehow, calling out to me

a voice of hope, of love, of peace

Arms strengthened with joy and life

reach out into this blackened night

the air around me doesn’t change

the hands do not erase the pain

but lift me up enough to see

that even in this mess I’m free

Lullaby of Lies

January 28, 2006

Everywhere I look

I see your face

and I am dying

in this place

but I can’t say

I’m sorry

Cause every time

I make a wish

to feel your heart

and taste your lips

my future just

gets blurry

You’re all that I

have ever known

without you I

feel so alone

and I hate

every minute

But if I crawl

into your warmth

and seek for shelter

from the storm

I’ll just be deeper

in it

So lie to me

a lullaby

and watch me tremble

as I cry

and make my mind

forget

Cause if I can’t

these memories

will have me crawling

hands and knees

a lifetime

of regret

And every piece of me

ashamed

and I have no one left

to blame

and all I want’s

relief

Even if it’s

just a dream

a thought,

a feeble minded scheme

wrapped up in

sheer deceit

Possibilities

November 28, 2005

It’s not very often I let my mind travel back to the place. The realm of possibilities. It dwells on the past constantly. Wishing for it, wanting it back. I only look at the present as it gradually slips away with time to become the past. All I see are the things no longer alive, In my world, all I know is what has been.

It used to be only him. He was all I wanted to complete me and I knew it. It was a long time before I found myself in the arms of someone else. Enveloping myself in those arms, I tried to make him into what I wanted. But somewhere inside that process, I grew to love who he was as well. And then, in my inability to stop living in the past, I lost him too. And now I’m in two places, in millions of pieces. Unsure. Afraid.

So I’ll go back to that place of possibilities. But only in my mind. Dreaming is easier than having to be open.

The Moment

October 27, 2005

I’m here and you’re over there. I’ve been running from you for so long that it scares the hell out of me to have to suddenly face you. Your eyes pry so deeply into my world it makes me feel like no time has passed. Everything is right between us and nobody knows me better than you do. My mind takes me back to the safety I felt when I was in your arms. It hurts to feel all this again. It hurts to rewind. It hurts to be alone; I loathe and adore every second of it.

The moment is past. You’re a million miles away as you shift your gaze and go on like nothing has happened. And I’m still in our world, taken over by a thousand wishful memories.

Unbroken

October 17, 2005

Standing in this room with you

so much left unspoken

but in my heart I know somehow

the silence won’t be broken

Everything reflects in me

of how much trust was taken

to leave me here alone and scared

my hopes and dreams forsaken

You look at me, I look at you

and that restarts my stinging

a song in me that says it all

but my lips won’t be singing

You stole my heart

I didn’t care

and now there’s only longing there

it’s so unfair

you’re unaware

These words remain unspoken

I won’t become unbroken

Ending

October 16, 2005

Somehow after all this time

you’re still weighing on my mind

so heavy I think I could break

but you still can’t see what’s at stake

my heart, my soul, my every breath

consumed in you, beyond my flesh

my ears will burn until they’ve heard

the sweetness of your hollow words

what would I give for one last time

to hold you close and call you mine

and travel back into the past

and make our every moment last

one last whisper in your ear

one last chance to lose my fear

and stare deeply into your stare

to find who I’ve become in there

but I will end my dream for now

and live another day somehow

knowing I’m empty and alone

while your heart has been turned to stone

Breaking

September 2005

Breathe.

It’s been about an hour now. It seems more like a year. It seems more like ten years. It’s not the kind of thing you’d soon forget even in an eternity. It’s just something you learn to live with. His arms may not be around you anymore, and you may not hear his voice like you used to. But you are still there. You are still alive. Your life is still your own. It’s just… he isn’t in it anymore.

Breathe.

I still have to remember to when I see him. I’m afraid to move because I don’t want the moment to change. And when I finally muster the courage to take a breath, he steals it all away with his gentle kiss. And all I want is to pull him closer…

Breathe.

You made a mistake. My heart is broken. But I will not leave your side.

Breathe.

I feel empty. I hate myself. I’m alone and it’s my fault. I don’t want this life, this face, this body…

Breathe.

Shallow. I can’t take it anymore. This black hole inside will swallow me up till I can’t get back. I can’t…

Silence

With Me

July 17, 2005

Standing on the edge

of a cliff to steep for me

and tearing out my heart

not knowing what could be

I’m so trapped in between

what I have and what I want

I’m scarred by all I’ve seen

and blessed by all I’ve not

My heart is pouring blood

my eyes are turning black

I have the one I love

but still long to go back

I’m sick of being pulled

and trying to let go

and always being told

not to let my feelings show

So if this is the end

I’ll close my eyes and reach

and if you take my hand

you’ll be the one with me

My World

July 9, 2005

He stands there across the room. Talking, laughing, carefree. Only across the room but so far from my reach.

I can feel my world spinning again. Everything disappears but him. All the present fades away and my heart tumbles quickly into the past.

He was so many things to me. He was the one I wanted to be with forever. But everything crashed down long ago and I can’t truly go back. I guess I just never knew it could feel this way. How can this feeling still be so overwhelming 5 years from the first time I experienced it? How did he escape me and how did I find myself in the arms of another?

I knew he was the one. Maybe I still know it and that’s why it hurts so much. It hurts that we are not together and never will be. It hurts that I love someone else… cause no one else will be like this one.

I feel tears welling in my eyes as he brushes past me, and I force myself into the past. The memories will never fade into time. The love will never disappear there. That boy is more of my world than he will ever know, and my heart cannot fully let him go.

Beautiful

February 6, 2005

Alone she walks. The road is narrow and long. The air is thick, too thick to see the road ahead. Yet on she walks. The only sound is her breathing.

Her face is stained with tears, her hair matted and dirty. No one would ever say she was pretty with her face aged far beyond her years… aged by worries and pain that no one should go through alone. She tells herself she needs no one. She tells herself she loves how it is; that she wouldn’t change a thing.

She pauses as a raindrop falls upon her dirty forehead. Looking toward the sky, she sees it growing darker. Thunder echoes in the distance, the wind increases. The air smells cold.

Alone. It echoes through her brain. Alone.

Her hand is grasped suddenly, tight and secure. She is led away from her lonely path, pulled deep into the woods. She feels warm, safe. She feels fear but no foreboding. She knows she’s been rescued.

”Beautiful,” the voice whispers into the darkness. She gazes up at the face of her rescuer. His green eyes pierce her and he pulls her close with them. “Beautiful,” he whispers again, and she feels the truth of it all the way through her. She ties her arms around him as the cold rain envelops them.

Still she hurts. Still she is in the dark, but no longer is she alone.

Beautiful. And that’s how she wants it.

The Water

January 24, 2005

She has spent so much time wandering, trying to find her past. It consumes her like a deep flame, trying to draw her backwards. She is broken in the most devastating sense. Her vision is blurred to the point that she can’t even see her next step; blurred with hopeless tears.

She sits beside a peaceful river, letting her toes dangle inside. The water is deep, like her soul. So deep she can’t look into it, is afraid to even… but all at once she finds things eroding, changing, and being swept away in this icy river. Her pain remains, Her scars remain. Her memory remains. But her dreams do not. Her wishes are gone. Her reality has at last arrived and she can live in it. Her fears were taken in the split-second decision she made to let them go.

She breathes and closes her eyes. The world is a beautiful place.

…. Even if you are alone.

Without You

December 21, 2004

My feet are bleeding

temples aching

the world is in a spin

My ears are ringing

bruises forming

on my callused skin

When I would fall

or drift away

you’d always be the one

To pick me up

and bring me back

and make me come undone

When I would hurt

and feel alone

yours were the only arms

That held so tight

and kept me warm

secure and safe from harm

But now you’re gone

and now it’s time

for me to walk alone

Through all the pain

I’ll find a way

to do this on my own

Even if I have to crawl

or fake a smile

just to make it through

I know someday

I’ll understand

I’m stronger without you

Collapsed

December 10, 2004

She leans her head against the window and stares out into the rainy, gray parking lot. The entire world has lost its color. She takes a sip of the hot coffee in her hands and a burst of warmth spreads through her body. But it doesn’t last. She glances down at the table and traces little circles in the ring of coffee where her cup has been sitting. Her cell phone rings. She glances at it but doesn’t answer.

She feels the pain swelling inside her. She bites her lip. The waitress breaks into her private world, “anything else for you, ma’am?” she looks up blankly and shakes her head. The waitress drops the bill on the table, the edge of it soaking up her spilled coffee. She pulls a crumpled ten-dollar bill out of her pocket and places it on the table in front of her. It’s far too much of a tip but she doesn’t care.

She slips on her coat, gathers up her cell phone and keys and is gone, unnoticed. Like the rest of her life; alone, unloved. Because he doesn’t see her. Because he has her heart and he’ll never know it.

As she moves toward her car she can no longer hold back. She tries to unlock her car, but her hand is trembling too violently. Tears begin flowing freely, her body jerking with sobs. She collapses on the cement, helpless to fill the hole in her heart.

And no one is there to help her.

In his hands

December 7, 2004

We sat quietly then, for some time. I couldn’t lie about what was going through my heart and mind. My emotions weighed heavily on me and I tried to release some of them with a heavy sigh. I couldn’t be right next to him without admitting that he had such a huge piece of my heart and me. All I wanted was to wrap my arms around him and hold him forever. But I couldn’t. One thing true about life is that you rarely get what you were hoping for. He was my desire and I was just another face in the crowd. He needed to be let go of. He slipped away from me. I let him. Someone broke into the moment. A new voice shattering our silent world into non-existence. I took a breath and stood to go. A glance passed between us and I took the first steps of the new me, leaving my heart in his hands.

If

June 2004

If eyes are the window to the soul

you'd see emptiness in mine

if you would speak to me again

look into them one more time

If absence makes the heart grow fonder

than why does my beat fast

every time you glance in my direction

every time you walk past?

If I see through rose colored glasses

why does everything turn gray

each time I try to speak to you

and don't know what to say?

If time heals every single wound

it wouldn't hurt so much

when we sit together for hour upon hour

without a single touch

If the only man who's worth my tears

will never make me cry

then why can't I, in a million years

find a more worthy guy?

Don't Tell Me

May 4, 2004

Don’t tell me that tomorrow will be

better than today

Don’t tell me not to leave

when I have no reason to stay

Don’t tell me to move on

or that I need to let you go

Don’t tell me it’s all done and said

cause I already know

Don’t tell me I should smile

cause you don’t like to see me cry

Don’t tell me not to say so

when I say I want to die

Don’t tell me that you never, ever

meant to break my heart

Don’t tell me that you didn’t know

my life would fall apart

Don’t tell me I’ll find happiness

and that my heart will heal

Don’t tell me how I should react

don’t tell me how to feel

Just tell me that you love me

and that you know the awful sting

Then leave me here alone and know

you are my everything

Found

October 7, 2003

She woke up with thousands of people swarming around her. All dressed in black; many with large black hats, tipped to shadow their faces. She was outside and she felt the dew around her, but the sun was not very visible, except to cast a few dim shadows into the gray mists enfolding them. She stood slowly, trying to remember where she was and why. No one seemed to see her as she stood awkwardly in the sea of black. She tried to catch the attention of several but no one seemed to notice. When she grabbed their shoulders and tried to speak to them, they were unresponsive; as if she wasn’t even there.

She stood alone, dazed, unsure of what to do, whom to look for – yet fully aware of her need to not be alone. She became so enraptured in her own thoughts that she never saw him standing there. Perhaps only a few minutes, or perhaps a few years had passed when finally she felt a light tap upon her shoulder. Looking up to meet his steady gaze, she knew she’d found who she’d been looking for. His brown eyes sparkled and a smile played on his lips, She was too overwhelmed to utter the words that filled her mind. Instead she managed a whispered “I found you,” he reached out to take her hand “no, I found you,” he said.

And together they left behind the colorless mist.

Letting Go

September 22, 2003

It was a cool August afternoon as I trudged down the gravel road toward the cabin alone. It was beginning to get dark and I breathed deep the fresh Canadian air, glancing up at the gray sky. I thought about all the things she had said to me about letting go and trusting God. All the time, I thought I’d been helping her by listening to her pain. But as I listened, I’d applied her words to myself

I know no one believes you can be in love when you are thirteen, but I know what love is. I know how I chose to care for him, how I couldn’t even breathe if he touched my hand. And now he had been out of my life for 2 years, still, desperately, I clung to my memories of him.

I’m sure she’ll never understand the impact her words made on my life. How different I would be if it weren’t for her. No matter how many times I tell her, she’ll never grasp at the deeper meaning of all the things she told me. So much is yet ahead; I don’t know the future I am now able to accept. But I do know one thing. That beautiful afternoon in Canada, as I sifted mentally through my friend’s heart spilling out into mine, gazing into the endless, darkening sky, something happened to me.

I took my first step in letting go.

Land of Streams

March 14, 2003

The crystal waters trickle slow

down the mountain’s jagged slopes

the rocky soil drinks its flow

causing wild flowers to grow

The rings of starlight bind the wrists

of he whose hands are clenched as fists

who hides himself within the mists

and tries to be apart from this

No longer will these tears of yours

roll down your cheeks to hit the floor

and haunt these eyes from which they pour

and conceal you behind their doors

For in the shadows whispering

stand beings of light, shimmering

and everyone who hears them sing

shall pass out of this land of streams

The Kind of Love

March 10, 2003

I want the kind of love that chases when you run, sets you free when you’re in chains, keeps you awake to see you smile, holds you when you cry, and carries you everywhere so that even when you’re distant, you’re never far apart.

Never

January 16, 2002

How has everything been so misunderstood?

I lost who I am in an effort to do good

I hear you whispering a wish on a star

Your voice softly breaks the silence where we are

The fire crackles as the last embers die

You close your eyes slowly and let out a sigh

We’re left in the darkness and I choke back tears

I feel all my emptiness, formed through the years

I glance at you and if eyes reveal the soul

Then I’ve never met someone who could be so cold

And yet so deep, so sad, refreshing as you

I could drown in your eyes if they were a pool

But I never will, you won’t hold my gaze long enough

You’re trying so hard to stay closed off and tough

The moment has passed and it won’t come again

I guess you and I will just never be friends

Your Arms

January 9, 2003

The blood drops fall

too fast to catch

they’re cold and yet

they seem so fresh

I want to climb up there and hear

hear Your words whispered in my ears

These demons bite

my stinging feet

and hinder me

from Your voice sweet

but they can’t keep

my eyes from You

I start to cry

I don’t know who

will comfort me

and hold my hands

but with a glance

I know You can

I reach to You

in my despair

You sing to me

and stroke my hair

Let me climb into Your arms deep

let me find love and fall asleep

Over

January 2, 2003

It’s over now

it’s over now

am I losing my mind

won’t you give me a sign

that I can hold up

when the sky’s dark and gray

and say tomorrow will be

better than today

lay me down now

and let my eyes close

rock me to sleep

chase away the crows

that are eating my flesh

because it’s so cold

it’s over

life’s over

I’m losing my hold

A Frozen Tear

December 11, 2002

The softly spoken words

glitter in the trees

my ears have somehow heard

what you spoke into the breeze

I shiver in the wind

so you smile and pull me close

you rub my icy hands

as you leave my heart exposed

I cannot find your eyes

I cannot taste your kiss

I can’t walk through the lies

I can’t let go of this

Inside myself I reach

away from you I turn

you have so much to teach

I have so much to learn

Mend my broken wings

heal my shattered heart

receive my everything

though its all but torn apart

I’ve nothing left to fear

and nowhere left to cling

I only have this frozen tear

and this unfulfilling dream

Take Me Away

December 9, 2002

Pull me out

into the rain

cause I am tired

and I am stained

leave my hurt

and hate behind

lift my chin

change my mind

brush away

my tangled hair

tell me I

could go somewhere

speak my name

and I will come

lead the way

and I will run

down the mountains

through the trees

hold me up

so I can see

lead me somewhere

still and safe

and I’ll no longer

hide my face

let the tumult

forever cease

take me away

show me peace

You Come To Me

October 25, 2002

When the day is fading

and the shadows are long

when the light is failing

and my heart can’t go on

when the white stars emerge

and light through the sky bleeds

and dew covers the earth

You come to me

When pride bars my way

and I’m locked up in chains

and strength comes through too late

and hope by fear is slain

when winds of blank despair

knock me onto the ground

when my soul lies cold and bare

You come down

When I’m crying in my prison

left alone without love

when the sun shines like a prism

through the sweet stillness of dusk

whether I’m scared and lonely

or at peace with everything

You come near and hold me

You remove the sting

Destiny

July 15, 2002

All this mist and haze

blocking my way

can’t see what’s gonna happen

as my life begins to fray

Every word I say reverberates

off of the walls, regurgitates

from this box I’m living in

every syllable agitates

Each echo in my ear drives me to insanity

makes me ponder my humanity

makes me wish I were different

makes me wanna solve this mystery

Wanna know what the future holds

wish I knew where the path will go

but until then I’m stuck here

Inside this box, colder than snow

No way out.

Claustrophobia. Panic. Doubt.

There’s no way to leave

I’m dying in this drought

One day maybe I’ll see God’s plan

and realize that this box is His hand

maybe He’s protecting me from moving too soon

into the strange and starry future land

Eden

July 11, 2002

They sat in silence

in the misty night

in the cold moonlight

Watching the dancing leaves

listening to the laughing stars

wearing their heavy scars

Staring into the depths of their hearts

retrieving only tears

and dark, disturbing fears

There was a time of passion

reduced now to dry smiles

and every word a trial

Once they were glorious

but now there is a shame

seeking to place the blame

On anyone but themselves

they wander through their mentality

dwelling on the reality

That they were doomed to die

forced to leave their home

the whole dark earth to roam

Wallowing in sinfulness

knowledge that they’ll return to dust

because they betrayed sacred trust

Finally, he looks at her

silent, she doesn’t stir

she’s wishing she still had innocence

She’s discovered her mortality

is nothing like she thought it’d be

she whispers, “Why did I do this?”

Wondering why she helped impurity

pervert this spiritual reality

but the answers never come

There’s nothing left to take

they have to live with their mistakes

no matter how bad they are

She lays her head on his chest

his arm around her helps her rest

and she feels safe again somehow

He rises from the ground

pulls her up without a sound

and brings her close to him

And they begin to dance

in joy of second chance

in the moist and silent air

Beneath the constellations

without a hesitation

they know that Someone Else is there

Ablaze

August 5, 2002

As a flame is ignited

from a small smolder

I feel Your eyes

peering over my shoulder

As interest is stirred

into passion's fire

I utter not a word

sinking into the mire

As wind blows the sparks

and spreads all these ashes

to the corners so dark

that the sweet angel catches

Then You light the blaze

against this callused skin

I'm alone and amazed

as I melt once again

Home

May 2002

I shivered alone

in my tiny cave

hidden away

in my own handmade grave

drowning in self pity

feeling lost and unloved

when suddenly spoke

a voice from above

"let Me in child,

come back to Me"

I pushed it away

ignoring the plea

for so long I sat

alone in that place

with scars of rejection

no one could erase

till one day I broke

the tears filled my eyes

I struggled to stand

as I looked to the sky

I fell on my knees

as I let myself feel

I begged for forgiveness

and knew this was real

I finally went home

and at last knew God's grace

for when I least deserved it

He showed me the place

that He had been keeping

for me all these years

all I could say was "thank You"

weeping joyful tears