December 31, 2013

The darkness is getting too heavy. The more I try to dig towards the sunlight, the more earth caves in around me and darkens my world. In this way the darkness is heavy. It gets in my lungs, it clouds my vision, it embeds itself in my skin, it presses against my chest and slows my heartbeat. I can feel my blood pulsing in my ears, it makes me long for the sight of it. Fresh red paint, bursting onto the canvas of my colorless wrists and staining the flesh eternally, the site of a self-made sacrifice. The pain of unanswered prayers for permission to give up. The relief of the hot rain falling from my eyes, temporarily cleansing the pain. The wounds healed but the scars stand out; bold and purple, in the cold. They stare at me angrily. Angry because I overcame. Another layer of mud rains down upon my face. My body. I stop. I lie down. It is comforting. I'm growing used to the dark. I can almost see forms. I can almost remember sounds. I can almost feel human touch on my skin. 

Thunder roars above the ground. It rouses me from my self-induced slumber. Cold rain begins to flood my pit. I try to make myself small. But it begins to open me up. Dirt clumps in my hair become wet and muddy and run out. Small rivers begin to form around me, carving around, freeing my chest. I breathe it in but I do not drown. It hurts but it lifts the darkness from my lungs. I begin to feel alive. It widens up the earth, the sun shines just a little from behind a cloud. The first light I've seen in months. 

Water builds behind me. It begins to flood my pit. It begins to lift me up. 

Scraping by 

Day by day

Surviving

Through a storm 

Never arms 

To hold me 

Or a kiss

To keep me warm 

Reckless and 

Forgotten 

I've waited 

My whole life 

For someone to

Come change my mind 

Say I'm worth

The sacrifice 

Convince me now 

I'm yours forever 

No matter what's ahead 

I'll stay with you

Through stormy weather

I'll be roof, your bed

You protect 

My heart, you heal

The scars that burn 

So bright 

I can't believe

That this is real

I've never felt 

More right. 

March 24, 2014

I feel your absence most

in the changing of the seasons

it surprises me how much I miss you

for such unexpected reasons

You don't cross my mind daily

you're rarely in my dreams

but I see you in the snowfall

blooming flowers, changing leaves

I crack my window late at night

and smell you in the breeze

rain blows through my screen like tears

puddles of memories

You're never coming back to me

you disappeared like fog

I hope this year, August 18th

the anguish will be gone

But until then  

I'll tuck the blankets in a little tighter

you are months and I am hours. 

Dawn approaches. I grow lighter. 

April 17, 2014

One thing I still know in my soul, after the rest falls away;

as long as I feel pain, I'm alive. 

Many people think self-harmers are suicidal but in reality, I used to hurt myself to make sure I was still alive. When the tears wouldn't come, when words couldn't express, when no one understood or could reach me, I bled. In those moments I knew; if my heart is still pumping blood through these veins and out of my skin, greeting the fresh oxygen with a bright red kiss and painting my skin with the reality of pain and purpose - I am alive. I am alive. 

And I know that now. Now that you deny that everything we were was real. Now that you hurt me and when you see me bleed, you laugh. You think you're stronger. You think you have the answers and you think that I am low and sad. But I know now more than ever: you are dead. You are rigid, unmoving. Your blood is black and motionless. You are a corpse. A ghost. And that's how you've been haunting me. In the corners of my closets. In the feeling of my sheets, in the smell of the fresh April air. You're there. You're there. 

But I'm realizing now it's just a memory. One I must lay to rest in peace, so I may go on living. And I will go on living. I will let this make me softer. I will release the pain and heal. 

And I will get hurt again. 

And again. 

And again. 

And I will learn to make different mistakes. And sometimes I'll learn nothing. Sometimes it will feel like I am dying. But I am alive. I am alive in the pain. I am a part of the world. And you are nothing. You are weak. You are beneath me. You are dead. I am at my own center. And you are lost, trying to find yours. I am alive and I hear a new day calling. Is it dark in your coffin? Come out. Come out if you can. I'll be the one with color in my cheeks. The one drawn toward the sun although it burns. The one who feels. And if that's all I'm ever known for I will count myself lucky. 

I am strong. 

I am broken. 

I am free. 

I am alive. I am alive. 

August 2014

I've spent enough time carving out pieces of my skin 

making blood sacrifices to the gods of my past

like a fucking plea, a beg for their return

but you don't get that. You don't even get a goodbye

and I can only hope that in my latest picture, you can't see the hope in my eyes

shining through from that corner in my mind you've moved into 

univited

get the fuck out

I asked you nicely

The blood I let from now on will be involuntary

like when you stab my heart with photos of you and her

smiling like I'm nothing but a ghost

and we both know. 

We both know you're not happy

but she doesn't know

nobody knows

and part of me wonders; is that because I didn't carve out

pieces of my skin

crowning you my god?

But I'm down to the bone 

nothing to offer

I guess that's what we get.

 

January 1, 2015

You're not like I imagined

strong enough to slay my dragons

with your mouth against my pale skin

your hands, my breathing, staggered

You pin my hips

and bite my lips

and make me lose my patience

you breathe to life

the hope that I 

had buried in my basement

Your eyes are bright and piercing

and they're holding me here, raptured

the anchor to my stormy sea

my runaway heart captured

My fingernails etch secrets that my 

lips would not dare utter

my arching back

your jagged breaths

There'll never be another

December 2014

You were a flash flood

I wasn't prepared 

for the taste of your tongue

the scent of your hair

your heart keeping time

the warmth of your smile

I knew you were mine

you said, "stay for a while" 

The force of this feeling

is pulling me under

your eyes strike like lightning

I'm deafened by thunder 

I'm lost but not lonely

as you overcome me

the ebb and the flow

of the ways that you love me

I lie by your side

you're breathing, I listen

tracing constellations 

My thumb against your skin

And not sure if it's you or 

it's me or

it's us

But I fall for you over and over again

October 24, 2014

I finally gave up on you 

I broke the chains that held me to you 

you were a weight around my ankle and 

your love was a vast ocean of madness and lies and 

"I mean it this time"

and I couldn't stop inhaling you 

the salt clung to my nose

burned in my throat

filled up my lungs 

and the sensation of dying became 

somehow addictive 

I didn't want air

only you, only you 

I didn't want to stop sinking 

you made my heart fade to nearly nothing 

you made my head stop thinking

but you wore me out 

(I wasn't okay)

and finally, finally, I cut you away 

but now I just wish I could

forget your face

forget your laugh

your voice when you sing 

your Instagram name

the promises made

without using words

two twisted hearts 

you're fucked up and weak

you make me weak at the knees

you make me all Rachel and Ross 

because it's always been you

but it'll never be you 

August 11, 2014

Give up 

give up

my head screams into my chest

but my stubborn, stupid breaking heart

just won't let me yet

We haven't really talked since you

promised you wouldn't disappear

you said whatever I need

just let you know 

you'll always be right here

You lied. 

I talked to you the other day 

Well, you talked. I asked questions. 

Some were too hard to answer I guess 

you left them hanging in the air 

afraid to break the news 

like fragile, weak balloons

like my hope depends on you 

but I 

I'd rather have my heart shattered and 

know exactly when it happens  

than to see the crack form beneath the surface of an 

already weak facade 

and work its way to me until I am helpless and suddenly dropped

And you didn't ask about me 

three weeks and they were all yours 

I guess I'm breaking myself

it's so obvious I need to let go 

so obvious 

I'm a book on your shelf 

I never asked you to read but

you opened me up 

read til page 83

and you

spilled coffee over my pages

staining my edges 

and when the ink ran together

you called me

too blurry for your eyes

and put me away

without letting me dry. 

[you're not coming back]

July 21, 2014

Remember when 

you said

you'd never forget me 

you'd never give up 

time was nothing 

trust 

patience

we'd be together 

Remember when 

you said 

timing was wrong

we can't be together and

don't hold out hope 

cause you don't want me hurt

but I couldn't let go

cuz we should be together

Remember when 

you said it was her 

you played me her song 

and hoped I'd go along 

with an ache in my chest 

I hung up the phone 

we could have been together 

but now I was alone

Remember when 

you reached out to me

I was drowning in denial 

I couldn't see

maybe that was a chance 

I fucked beyond belief

it could have been you

it could have been me 

Remember when 

I promised I'd stay

I can't get my heart back

I know I seem crazy 

but I'll lay it all out there

my heart on the line

til these promises mend me

hoping you will be mine

July 17, 2014

Another moment 

another day 

I wish my thoughts away 

that my memory would fade 

but it's not going anywhere.  

Only brokenness and scarring 

my soul feels so heavy, darling

My lungs are full of fluid 

I am breathing without air 

Like that moment when you told me 

as I lay alone in bed 

that there was someone else for you 

before the line went dead

And was I the the one who hung up

or

were you the one instead?

Well I guess it doesn't matter

because now it's all just scattered 

innocence in teardrops shed

But the moment I first saw you 

I was captivated

swept away 

we've been pulled and stretched and strained but 

in your heart, my heart 

kept safe

And it's less likely than ever 

but you're anchoring me here 

I will probably wait forever 

for you, 

bring my heart back safely, 

feel it beating

though we're bleeding

grip your wrist

your blood runs cold with fear

kiss my throat

my pulse is racing, dear

we'll find healing

we'll find meaning 

you are hoping

I am begging 

don't let go

forever 

near.