I thought (you were) the answer

to (my life) questions

and (I was) the series

of remedies (for your pain)

(we were) so easy,

pressing on each others’ (bleeding) hearts. 

It only numbed the hurt

(thinking) we were healers

and now we’re infected (crawling)

through (shards of)
our former selves

trying to find (meaning)

(in) our mutual (destruction.)

(Your broken) promises 
still spilling from my wrists 
and (chest)

I can feel new flesh

growing (over my) bones.

(Hope) I helped you

while you made sure I

could (never) write about us becoming

(each others’) 
heroes.

Read entirely, then inside the brackets, then outside the brackets.

Part 2

You’re trapped inside my ribs

like a butterfly

ramming against my insides

crushing your own wings

to get out. 

You become transparent and

your colors settle on my soul like dust

and it’s ironic how,

the feeling of you being inside me

used to set me free

but now

I’m a prison to us both

and you’ve swallowed the key.

- Is there a way my words can cut deep enough to release us both?

I need to write you out
I feel it in my bones
the way I used to feel you 
move inside me
sighing into 
my moans
but words are stuck
inside my pen
& dying to get out
like a butterfly
they’re trapped inside
my ribcage, 
wings crushed
ramming against 
walls of
my goddamn
self-preservation
& self-doubt.
color falls
off the wings
transparent
& settles on my soul 
like a blanket
you gave my hurt
a place to cling
but when it grew 
too heavy
you took my wings
& without you
I’m trapped inside
this prison I call
my mind
funny how your flesh
set me free
by invading mine
& you being gone
has also somehow
taken me from me
& I think
I think
I think
I’ll never fly again
I always 
gave you release
but I’m my own prison
& you’ve swallowed 
the key
can I use my words
to cut you open
as deep as you cut me?
to unlock my emotion
& find recovery?
you’re just a ghost
so good at haunting
quick to disappear
until I’m left  
clinging onto nothing
filled up with your color
trembling fingers
trembling lips
I can’t be emptied, 
filled, or healed
the simple memory 
of your hips
is now my only lullaby
I rock myself to sleep
sweating
singing

goodbye
goodbye.

March 16

I stood in line behind someone today. I am normally inside my own head. In my own little world. Unobservant. But I noticed him. He wasn’t interesting or eccentric or attractive.

He was just wearing your cologne.

It soaked into my bloodstream almost instantly. It made my head swim. It intoxicated me and flooded my heart with memories of you.

My eyes welled up. Because nobody has ever hurt me the way you did.

I wanted to cry. But I didn’t cry. You aren’t worth it. You’ve already stolen too much of my life away and you won’t steal anymore of that precious saltwater mixture from my body. I would rather waste sweat on strangers than tears on such an old but familiar hurt.

I hate you. Is that strange? I have forgiven you, (for my own sake, not for your benefit on any level). But I hate you. I always, always wish you nothing but the worst.

But in that moment, my body trembling with remembrance of you, I felt something far more powerful than hate. I missed you. I missed you so much. You stole my dignity, my confidence, my pride, my trust. But sometimes, sometimes I needed to be held and your arms were the only ones who would hold me.

That was a lonely time in my life. You isolated me. But you were there. You were always, always there.

You’re still there. In the corners of my mind. In the shadows of my nightmare.

I’ll never forget your scent.

It is the vomit of my memories.

I keep trying to write about you and it’s all coming out shit

but I guess that’s pretty accurate 

no matter our intentions we always end up like this

a godforesaken, broken mess

but it doesn’t stop me from crying out in my sleep 

I miss you 

I miss you 

come back to me please.

It started with imperfection, and ended with an explosion. We were sitting in the parking lot at a grocery store eating ice cream. Too broke for a real date. It was Christmas Eve. Too cold for ice cream. But we were eating and I was talking and you were watching, your eyes wide and mesmerized by me. I always felt almost too powerful around you. Worshipped. It was what I needed, for once in my life, I suppose; to feel appreciated. I was the goddess of your existence. Sometimes I wonder if i was just bad at that job and that's why you left. But that's the story of the end. Not the beginning.
The beginning goes like this: we ate ice cream (Ben & Jerry's. Now Phish Food will always taste like you) and we talked and you stared and suddenly I lay my head in your lap. You asked if you could kiss me. My heart raced. I said no. Then I kissed you. I couldn't stop. I climbed into your lap. I laid your seat down. You put your hands in mine. I always dreamed of someone doing that.
I tasted your tongue, your lips, your anxiety and your excitement, and all of it tasted like chocolate (with marshmallow and caramel swirls) and then it ended, as suddenly as it began. And maybe that should have been my first indication: we can only be the gods and goddesses of our own worlds. The first kiss will never linger as long as the taste of ice cream drying in the cracks of our lips does. Our love for each other never stood a chance under the circumstances. But it tasted sweet enough for me to move forward without regret.
Just between you and me, I hope the next one's a little bitter. I'm weary of your flavor and I need someone to look at me with something deeper than worship. The thought of sweetness exhausts me. I need to be taken like medicine or a shot of vodka. I need to go straight to the head and swim through his blood. I need to make him forgive himself. The awareness of my own existence is reviving me already. I can feel myself being poured out. It's dry and painfully refreshing. He and I will console one another until we both heal. Until we forget the taste of the past.

The clock ticks away the seconds and they melt into days
The snow slowly subsides beneath the sunshine’s rays
It trickles down the sidewalks, into city drains
Revealing death beneath the place, for months, the ice has lain
And slowly, all too slowly, as it swirls around my feet
I lose my hope for your return. I feel my heart’s defeat
At first you were so fresh and pure, a dusting on my soul
You whispered of a future that made my life feel whole
But though I’m in your bloodstream, she’s still within your brain
Your empty shell lies in her arms while I run through your veins
It isn’t quite enough right now, I have to let you go 
I loosen my grip on your heart, away you melt, like snow
I’m not sure how I’ll make it through a day without your voice
But given what you’ve put me through, I have no other choice
I’ll learn to breathe without your love, but still I’ll see your eyes
In every dream, in every wish, it’s you I fantasize
So in our story I’ll wish that this be nothing but a chapter
A rough but worthy detour in our happy ever after.